


When he left me...

by Neen_sama



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Drama, Family, Fluff, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-03-11 06:26:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 43,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neen_sama/pseuds/Neen_sama
Summary: Nino break up with his lover Satoshi without giving any reason. 6 years later, Satoshi discovers all the truth...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just begin to translate my fictions from the french which is my native language so please be gentle and forgive my bad english ^^"

\- Eh ?!  
\- Honestly, I think it’s better like this.  
\- But…Explain it to me! You’re not going to break up without any reason!

He turns his gaze to me and his bitter smile breaks my heart in a million of pieces.

\- Goodbye, Satoshi.

Little by little, the tears are covering my face. And as he goes further and further at the pace of his steps, my whole body remains paralyzed. I just want to run to him and beg him not to leave me.

But I just can’t.

My face is wet with tears and the rest of my poor broken heart explode in insignificant particles that fly away from me with him. I take finally control of my lips but as my heart is dying to scream and shout, a ridiculous whisper comes out of my mouth:

\- Kazu…

*****

My head hits the floor and my alarm hurts my ears with that fucking ringing of his. The awakening is painful today. I stand up and shut off that fucking technology before I rub my poor painful back due to the position in which I was just lying. I open the windows of my room. The sun is shining brightly. Today will surely be a wonderful day. I sigh and move to my bathroom while yawning.

My name is Ohno Satoshi, I’m 32 and I’m an art teacher in high school. 6 years ago, my boyfriend broke up with me without giving me any reason and we haven’t seen each other since then. We have been together for 4 years at that time. We met each other at college when he had just entered it and by chance, that was me who was his guide in the establishment.

We weren’t in the same courses but we progressively became very relatives and then fell in love. I loved him so much and the memory of our breakup is as painful as the moment I lived it. This scene, I see it in my dreams almost every night. The last one was one of them, unfortunately.

Showered and dressed up, in the kitchen, I take a look at the clock on the wall. Too late for a coffee, I’ll take it at school before my first lesson. I take my bag, put my shoes and my jacket on and go out.

When I go through the entrance courtyard of the school, some students greet me, mostly girls, and I greet them back with a smile. It’s not to show me off but I have my little success among my students. I slide finally the door of the teachers’ room and greet my colleagues before going to my desk and sit down on my chair. A few seconds later, my friend, Matsumoto Jun, enter the room with a happy face and come to sit beside me.

\- “Yo Satoshi ! He says.  
\- Ohayo Jun-kun. I answer without much motivation.  
\- Oh… you’re not doing well, am I wrong?  
\- I have not had my morning coffee yet, I fell off from my bed and I dreamed of that day again.  
\- You mean that day ?  
\- Hum…  
\- Tsk… you don’t think you should better forget it and move forward? When was that? 3 years ago?  
\- It was 6 years ago, Jun.  
\- Well, it’s time for you to meet someone else, another man or even a woman who knows?”

I grin despite me and hit him at his arm. He laughs and I do so.

\- “I understand that you want me to move on and to be happy but I loved Kazunari more than anyone. He was my only love, I don’t know if I will fall in love with someone else or even if I want to.  
\- You’ll see. Someday it’ll come.”

He stand up from his chair and look at his wrist where is his watch.

\- “We have 20 minutes till the first hour, I take you a coffee?  
\- If you agree.” I say.

 

*****

\- “The lesson is over. Congratulations to all of you, your works are all well done. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The bell is ringing and my students pack their stuff in an awful noise. When they are finally out, I take my bag and I’m getting ready to go out of the class but my phone stops me. I pick it up while I sit up on a stool habitually reserved for the students.

\- “Moshi Moshi, Ohno desu.  
\- Ohno-kun? Ninomiya Kazuko there, remember? Kazunari’s mother…”  
At the mention of the name of my ex-lover, my heart is beating faster in my chest.

\- “Hai…I answer with a low voice.  
\- Can we…see each other, as soon as possible?  
\- Yes, I just finished at work, but…  
\- It would be better if you come now.  
\- Okay…i…will come soon…  
\- Do you remember where we live ?  
\- Yes of course.  
\- Jaa…I see you then.”

I hang up. My heart is still pounding fast. Why Ninomiya-san wants me to come? Why it is not Kazunari who calls me directly? A lot of another questions rush in my head but stay here is useless, I must go to his mother’s house.  
All the way, I cannot help but feeling a terrible joy and fear, imagining the best like the worst and before I realize it, I’m facing the Ninomiya’s house.

It has not changed since the last time I came here. I cross the aisle and ring the bell. My ex’s mother open the door, dressed in her apron and with a tired face. She has not changed neither. She let me enter and while she guide me across a hallway, the fatal question goes suddenly out of my mouth.

\- “Is Kazunari…Alright ?”

Ninomiya-san looks at me, startled, sad and maybe a little scared. But she does not say a word. Does it mean that he’s not doing well? Or that she doesn’t know what to say? I want to know, even if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. His happiness and health is the most important to me.

His mother let me enter the living room and I don’t believe what I see. This portrait of my lover in a black frame, this smell of incense and this flower vase in front of me… It’s at that time that I understand. I understand that I will not see Kazunari anymore. The reality is harder than everything I had imagined on my way to come here. This time, everything is definitely over.

I fall down on my knees, not even noticing the pain, and cry in silence while Ninomiya-san comes next to me and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. My throat is tied and prevents me to talk. However, a word comes out of my mouth.

\- “How?”

The woman plunge her hand in the pocket of her apron and gives me an envelope with my name written on it.

\- “You should read that, he wrote it before his death.” She says

I open the envelope and find a piece of paper almost entirely covered of black. No doubts, it is his handwriting. My hands shiver, I hesitate to read it but I must do so. These are his last words for me and I want to understand our breakup. I wash up my tears and go through his last letter.

Satoshi,  
If you read this letter, it probably means that I’m not in this world anymore. I understand that the fact of me writing a letter for you after what happens between us maybe sounds weird to you, but since my death is near, I need to confess all the truth to you on the paper while I can still do it.

How are you? You must be a wonderful and super popular teacher ne? I would have liked to be there to see that. I want you to know that break up with you hurt me more than anything and it was the biggest error of my life. But I was forced…Not by my parents, of course but…

No, I must tell you from the beginning.

6 years ago, approximately one month before we broke up, we argued about something stupid. I was so angry that I left our apartment and go to a bar. I had a few drinks and I met a woman, her name was Chiemi. We have talked a lot and also…drank a lot.

The next morning, we woke up in her bed, without any clothes or doubt about what we have done while we were drunk. We made the decision to return to our lives and forget that night. You and I were reconciled and I had not seen Chiemi…until the day before we broke up. That famous day, my mother called me and asked me to come as soon as I can. Chiemi was there with her parents. They were furious and their daughter was crying. They ordered me to sit and they told me why they come: That night Chiemi and me had conceived a child.

The news had fall on my head like an entire building. Chiemi’s parents refused that she aborted, so I had to marry her and obviously, leave you. We move in a little apartment. Even if we were married, I talked almost never with her, I was drinking every night and I was spending the first months of this new life while crying every time I was alone hoping to wake up from this nightmare. I had never forgiving me for what I did to you, for the harm I did to you.

In three or four months, I was in an awful state. When I saw myself in a mirror, I could only see the horror I had become. I had dark circles under the eyes due to the tiredness and the tears that deepened with the time and I was losing weight visibly since I was not eating much. My father-in-law lectured me all the time because I was not a good husband for her daughter and if she was not pregnant he would have convinced her to divorce. But I didn’t really care, you were the only one who mattered to me.

A day, I had an emergency call from the hospital at my job. Chiemi had been admitted urgently but I could not understand what the woman from the hospital was trying to explain to me. I knew only that she was in serious condition. I will remember this moment perfectly until my last breath. My blood had iced in my veins in a second and my heart was beating with an incredible strength in my chest. I had rushed in the hospital and when I arrived, they told me to wait. I had never wanted that, and if she died? Chiemi would have been so much happier if I had never talked to her at that bar… I was really the worst of assholes…

After a few hours, a doctor came out of the surgery room, covered with blood. I almost collapsed while imagining the worst and he only confirmed my toughs: they could not save Chiemi. Strangely, I had not cried. I could not. On the contrary, I seen in her death a way to escape from this life that I had not wanted. I was maybe selfish and cynical but I prepared already myself to not recognize the child as mine, give it to an institution and do all I can to come back to you.

After, seeing the body of my dead wife, the doctor asked me to come with him. I followed him, thinking about signing some papers. Instead of that, he guided me to a care room. I panicked, I had not wanted to see this child in any case, and tried to escape but he held me firmly. I could never thank him properly. We entered, he moved away a few seconds to take something in a corner and came back to place it in the crook of my arms.

From that moment on, that day was the most beautiful of my life. I had the eighth wonder of the world in my arms, a tiny warm being sleeping against me. For a few minutes, I had the feeling that we were only the two of us in the world. Even you, you had not the slightest importance to me when I was looking at that perfect little face. My poor broken heart had warmed up instantly, I smiled and yet I was crying again. I could not abandon it, not anymore. The doctor said right after that I had a baby girl, I had a daughter and I was surely the happiest of all.

Since then, I took my life in my hands and raised my daughter the best I could. It was not easy everyday especially because Chiemi’s parents left me alone with her. At the time I write this letter, I have not seen them since the death of their daughter. Of course, I missed you always so much but I was too afraid to tell you the truth and you throwing me as I did with you. On the other hand, I had not losing an occasion to tell her about you, about what we lived together and she always listened to me with a wide smile. She’s my treasure, the most precious thing in my life and I thought that we’ll be able to continue to live peacefully.

I was wrong.

One year ago, I had severe headaches which lasted entire days and made me bang my head against the walls when my little one was not around. I went to see a doctor and after a bunch of medical examinations, the diagnosis had fallen. Brain tumor. He gave a treatment that I took in secret. It was not enough and I ended up in the hospital. My mother was furious that I hide such a serious thing even to her. I took another treatment that weakened me a lot; my daughter could only see me through a window between my room and the hallway. That was what hurt me even more than the disease and the medicines but I had to be strong, for her.

Months later, I had a surgery and I finally saw a hope light in this dark tunnel but it only served to reduce the tumor that was always there and that, not so long after, had started to grow even faster. This time, I was under a treatment that made me sick as a dog. No one can imagine the pain I was enduring without having experienced it. I could not anymore, I had endured everything for my daughter but I just could not anymore. I asked the doctors to stop all of this and let me die.

At the time I write this letter, it’s been three weeks that I don’t take any treatment. I can enjoy my last moments almost entirely. I wish you were there but how to explain it to you? It’s been years since I gave up at that and I don’t want you to see me in this state. They give me painkillers to “be more comfortable” and when I hurt too much, they put me to sleep sometimes up to a few days, it happened not so long ago.

I have to take advantage of the little time I have left, they told me that when the disease has really advanced, I may not be myself anymore; I may losing my memory and become delirious. My daughter comes every day to see me at hospital and we spend maximum of time together. When I’ll start to lose my mind, I asked to my mother to tell her I’m dead. I don’t want her to remember me like this.

But, Satoshi, this is what I wanted to ask you. When I’m dead, she will not have anyone except for my mother. Maybe you will refuse, you may think that it’s crazy or anything but… Please adopt her and take care of her for me. She’s so young…I ask you as a last will, take care of Satoe…

I always loved you Satoshi, please never forget me…  
Kazunari.

My tears are flowing again. It’s way worse than anything I’d imagined. Kazunari was forced to get married, was unhappy and died in a hospital bed without me by his side. Why did not he called me to see him one last time, even in a pitiful state? To know that he had such an end of life tears my heart more than everything I’d felt until today. Ninomiya-san faces me, she’s still crying too.

\- I regret, Satoshi-kun. The parents of that woman, Chiemi, did not leave us the choice. I told him to find you and explain the situation to you but he was too ashamed of himself to do so. If had seen him after Satoe-chan’s birth, he was so radiant, so fulfilled, so happy till…that day.  
\- I would have forgiven him in a second…  
\- I know. As the doctors said us, his last days were very painful. He didn’t recognize me anymore, he could not express himself properly, he became almost violent; then he fell into coma and the next day…he passed away. It was a week ago.

She wash her tears away.

\- What do you plan to do about Satoe-chan?  
\- I don’t know…  
\- Do you want to see her?  
\- I don’t know…  
\- I understand that you must be upset, it is better for you to take your time to think about it. Even if you decide to not take her with you, it’s nothing, I’ll take care of her.

The silence is the master in the room while a few minutes. I cannot think properly anymore after all what I’ve heard. The only one that occupies my mind, it’s him, not his daughter. I really feel bad for not having been with him on his death. Later, his mother escorts me to the door and before i leave the house, she holds me and tells me a last thing.

\- Satoshi-kun, his body has already been cremated but…we honored him in two days. I suppose that you’ll be there.

I smile to her sadly and I nod before heading back home, my head still clouded by all that I had just learned.


	2. Chapter 2

A ringing wake me this morning but not my alarm. It is Saturday today. I open my eyes and understand quickly that it’s the ringing of my front door. I stand from my bed and go to the door to open it. Jun is there, joyful.

\- Hey! You let me in?  
\- Hum…

I let him in. He takes his shoes off in the genkan while I close the door and we go together to my kitchen where I start to make some coffee.

\- You want some? I ask him showing him the instant coffee package.  
\- Yeah, thank you. You look depressive again, your break up dream?

I stop in my task when the memories of the previous day come back at the speed of light. I turn to my friend.

\- No. Yesterday, I received a call from Kazunari’s mother and I went to her house.  
\- And? You have seen him?

I smile bitterly before giving my answer.

\- No he’s dead one week ago. Brain tumor.

I’m not talking about Kazunari’s fatherhood and marriage. Jun doesn’t need to be aware of that.

\- I’m sorry.  
\- It’s nothing, you didn’t know him.

I turn on the coffee machine and wait till the cups are full. I give one to Jun and take the mine to go sit in front of him at the table. We drink in silence a little time.

\- Why did you come?  
\- Nothing in particular. He says shrugging the shoulders.  
\- I see, you come again to enjoy my apartment?  
\- I have a ton of tests to correct. It’s not funny when I’m alone!

I look up but his puerility still manages to snatch me a smile. I see him taking a pile of tests and a red pen from the bag he brought with him and start his task. Jun is a chemistry and biology teacher. He is the same age as Kazu, a little younger I think. We know each other since I work in high school, so approximatively 5 years. If we talk about seniority in the school, he’s my senpai, he’s been teaching there since one year already when I arrived. Before that, I was giving some drawing lessons here and there and especially in an elementary school but I must say that I’m much better with my stable job at high school.

\- What the fuck gave me such a stupid student ?! growls Jun, dived in his corrections.

I let him to go shower. Tomorrow, we honored Kazunari. I may see his daughter, obviously. I don’t really want to, for the truth. But I can’t help thinking about her, if she looks like him, if she had inherit his mischievous eyes that make me dreaming or his little cute pout that I could not resist too long. I’ll see tomorrow. What was her name again? Ah, yes, Satoe. I smile sadly now I realize finally that he use a name derivate from mine to name her and before I realize it, the tears are flowing again on my cheeks, fortunately hided by the shower. It’s way too hard to think about him now I know that he’s not here anymore.

When I go out of the bathroom, Jun have almost finish with his corrections. At the time I come in the room, he turn to me and put down his pen on the table.

\- Everything’s alright? You have been in the bathroom for a while.  
\- Hum, daijoubu. I say sitting on my couch.

I turn on the TV and try to concentrate to the program airing hoping he won’t ask me anything else about that, I’m not in the mood for that. Hopefully, he says nothing and my eyes kept caught by the screen. A little time after, I hear him taking all his stuff back in his bag and he come to sit beside me.

\- You’ll go to his funeral?  
\- Of course.  
\- You’re not worrying about seeing his boyfriend.  
\- I have no worry to make, he died single.  
\- Don’t say me that he had anyone in his life for 6 years? Especially if it was him who broke up with you…  
\- You don’t know him, Jun.  
\- He was a man like another…  
\- Stop… I say by clenching the theeth.  
\- Honestly, I don’t know why you stayed stuck to him while he probably had a lot of good time with other men all these years…  
\- SHUT UP! I scream.

He knows nothing, he don’t know him. And the fact that he makes hypothesis on what Kazunari had lived these 6 last years makes my blood boiling in my veins. Jun says nothing anymore and stares at me not moving any single toe. I stand up, furious.

\- You don’t know anything about him or what he lived then if you only needed some company to correct your fucking tests, you can go, the door is there!

He’s not answering me and looks up before taking his bag and go to the front door.

\- Satoshi-kun, I think you need to be alone. I know you loved him so much, I should not have say  
that. If you wanna talk, you know my number and my address ne?

And then he leaves. My rage does not decrease. The TV is going to make me crazy and I turn it off before let me fall in my couch again. My thoughts take advantage of this moment to project the memory of Kazunari before my eyes.

*flashback*

I’m drawing, sitting in the park of the university. I look up to better observe the landscape before my gaze goes back to my sheet to immortalize the view on a page of my sketchbook. When my eyes left the paper again, a younger student stands right before me, a gentle smile on his face. We look each other in the eyes for seconds and he finally break the silence.

\- Konnichiwa! Do you remember me? You were my guide in the university three days ago.  
\- Ah…oh…hum.

He laughs. That boy is really beautiful when he laughs and my heart accelerate like crazy at this moment.

\- You look sleepy. He says. I wanted to thank you. You’re an art student isn’t it?  
\- Hum…  
\- Me too, but rather in photography than in drawing or painting, I’m not very good at that.

He shows me his camera, pretty sophisticated and expensive looking, hanging on his neck before sitting down beside me in the grass. He gives me his hand.

\- Ninomiya Kazunari, but everyone calls me Nino and you?  
\- Ohno Satoshi. I say giving him a handshake.

The say Nino, bend over to look at my sketchbook where my drawing takes shape. I can see his face light up brightly.

\- You’re pretty good! Well…it’s logic, otherwise you would not have been able to enter this university. Is this for a lesson project?  
\- Hum no. I like to sit down anywhere and drawing what I see, it relaxes me. And you? Are you searching for anything to photography for your lessons?  
\- No, I find it. He says, a grin on his face while he takes his camera and a bright flash hit my eyes.

He looks at the picture he just took and shows it to me. Realizing he just photographed me, my cheeks become instantly red and that only makes the things worse when I see my stupid dazed face on the little screen.

\- You’re not a bad model you know?

My heart beat frantically in my chest and I stammer.

\- You…you think so?  
\- Hum! Well, I need to go now.

He stands up and rubs his pants a little and don’t forget to give me another of his adorable smile.

\- I could need a model for my photos. When the time will come, I’ll think about you, Satoshi-kun. Jaa, thank you, it was cool, bye!

He runs immediately away from me, leaving me open-mouthed, scarlet and heart ready to pounce on my chest.

*fin du flashback*

*****

At almost 5 o’clock, I’m just before the hall reserved by Ninomiya-san to nonore his son. When I enter it, I go sit at a table, alone. I look around me. The hall is not so big but a lot of persons are here. A few I know, others that I never seen.  
They are all regrouped in little groups scattered in the hall. Far off from me, I can see two college friends of my ex-lover talking to his mother, family members and neighbors that I already met, children but none who is as young as his daughter must be. I wonder where she can be.  
There is a scene, a few meters from me, with a mic and a portrait of my beloved on a display decorated with flowers. I sight. Ninomiya-san leaves the college friends and go on this scene. She talk on the mic and ask us to sit at the tables. She then tell some words In memory of the deceased and then she offers to anyone to come and express himself. She come down and spots me to come sits down with me.

\- Thank you for coming, Satoshi-kun.  
\- I would never miss it for anything in the world. It was very beautiful…What you told before.  
\- Thank you.

I was about to ask her where kazunari’s daughter could be but a woman took the mic to talk. It was one of my beloved’s colleagues. Then it was an uncle, one of the two friends from before, a cousin and the old neighbor who live beside his mother’s house. When she finally finish her speech, Ninomiya-san gives me a little nudge while I applaud.

\- Why don’t you go tell a little speech, Satoshi-kun?  
\- Me?  
\- Yes, I’m sure that it is what he would have wanted.  
\- I don’t Know…  
\- Just go.

She smiles at me warmly and before I realize, I stood up and walk to the scene. I place myself before the mic, the crowd of guests is staring at me and it looks suddenly way bigger and a huge fright grips me.

\- Good…good evening, I’m Ohno Satoshi…

A knot forms in my throat. What am I doing here? Kazu’s mother gives me signs to continue. By my left side, my beloved’s portrait smiles at me like always do and that send me a little courage to continue.

\- For 4 years, I was Kazunari’s boyfriend and I must say that it was the most beautiful years of my existence. He was the kindest, the most passionate and the most generous man I had known. I loved him so much and…

At the thought of our breakup tears comes up to my eyes. I stop, bend the head over and try to content it. Without any success.

\- He left me 6 years ago without telling me anything and my life had never be the same but I was informed days ago that I haven’t been the most unfortunate of the two of us. Kazunari broke up with me with no other choice, he took his responsibilities as a father and he had this disease that destroyed him… If he could hear me, I would like for him to know that I love him and I would gave him the entire world uncompromising.

My face is wet with tears. My nerves broke. I quit the scene and run out of the hall instead of return to my chair and I find myself in the hallway. A little girl stands before me and stares at me, dressed up in a pretty black dress just like her long hair. In her arms, she squeezes a teddy bear with a blue ribbon tightly.

It’s her.

I see it at this deep dark gaze and this cute and round familiar little face. I wash my tears and fall to her height. She don’t move and continue to stares at me. I smile.

\- You’re Satoe-chan, right?  
\- My daddy says me to not talking to peoples I don’t know.

I laugh, Kazunari was a good father indeed.

\- Your father’s right.  
\- He’s not here anymore, he’s left to the heaven.  
\- That’s right. Why don’t you stay by your grandmother’s side? Why do you stay here all alone ?

She shakes her head and squeezes her plush tighter.

\- I’m afraid with all those big people. And you? Don’t you stay with them?  
\- I was very very sad and I wanted to go outside to take some fresh air.  
\- And why don’t you go anymore?  
\- Because of the cute little girl all alone you are. It’s unfair no?

She takes suddenly a closer look to me and then run to a little bag, maybe hand-sewed, and she takes out a piece of paper out of it and comes back to me. Her gaze turns from it to me and from me to it for a while and then her face lights up exactly like her father’s that day and she embrace me.

\- Satoshi-kun!

When she let me go, she shows me the paper, it’s this famous photo her father takes the day we meet.

\- You're my daddy’s lover!  
\- Yes, yes, but…  
\- He says that I can trust you and that you’ll be protecting me when he’s leaving!

I don’t know what to do, that sparkling eyes, that smile… That reminds so much things. What must I do? Kazunari asked me to raise her, he placed all of his hopes in me to take care of her but…I don’t know how to raise children. However, I have the feeling that we have so much in common, so much to share. It is why my mouth opened by itself and say:

\- Do you want to live with me?

She looks at me a little time and then embraces me again tightly.

\- Hum!


	3. Chapter 3

When I wake up this morning, I’m weirdly really near the floor. Ah yes, I lended my futon next to my bed to let Satoe sleeping in it. I stand on my knees, just on the right height to the bed. She’s still sleeping tightly. I’ do not work today, we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other. Her grandmother gave me a few days to “try” to live with her and I’ll see if I can keep her with me. Right now, I have never been so anxious and confident at the same time in my whole life.

She sneeze a little in his sleep just like her father did before her when I watched him sleep next to me in the morning. I see him so much in her. Genetics are sometimes somethings magical, she looks like his copy. Her teddy bear doesn’t quit her since yesterday. I understand, it must remind her of her father.

I yawn and go make breakfast. I open the fridge but I don’t even know what she likes to eat. I still have enough to make pancakes, she must like it, no ? I try and take the ingredients with the risk to be rejected.

Later, a delicious smell emanates from my stove. I return the pancake half-baked with a spatula and wait a few minutes to put it on a plate and restart. Then, I hear barefoot on the floor of the kitchen. I turn to the left and my gaze fall on Satoe and her teddy bear.

\- Ohayo Satoe-chan.  
\- Ohayo Satoshi-kun!  
\- You’re hungry?  
\- Hum!  
\- Do you like pancakes?  
\- Hum!

I’m relieved, I managed to avoid a crisis.

\- Satoshi-kun? She asks more seriously.  
\- Yes?  
\- Can I go pee?  
\- Of course, it’s the door just there. I say while pointing the entry of my toilets.  
\- Arigatou!

She run to the door and I finish my pancakes before turn the fire off under the stove and take it in the sink. I serve the plates on the table and Satoe comes back. I pull her chair from under the table.

\- You come eating?

She frowns.

\- I must wash my hands after going to toilets!  
\- Of course, you’re right.

I take a chair for her to stand on it. She wash carefully her hands and I give her a towel. We can finally eating. She is still a bit awkward with her cutlery but she manages and that's what makes her adorable. She put a bit of pancake in her mouth and chews in silence before looking at me with a wide smile.

\- Umai!  
\- Thank you.  
\- Papa said to me that you made him the best pancakes of the world.  
\- Really? He said that? I ask, really surprised of this.  
\- Hum!

What she says makes warm my heart, it means that her father still thought of me all this years. He didn’t lie to me in his letter, I’m so happy. We finish eating and while I’m doing the dish, she watch some animes on TV. We have to go to her grandmother’s house to take her some things. She insisted to spend the night in my apartment and all I have to lend her for sleeping was one of my old t-shirts. This one is so big on her that it falls lower than her knees. The dish finish, I take a look Satoe who still watching the TV.

\- Satoe-chan?

She turns to me and look at me right in the eyes.

\- I go take a shower, okay? You…you could stay wise ?  
\- Hum!

I then go to the bathroom, close the door, undress and enter the shower stall before let the hot water fall on me.

*flashback*

While I make breakfast, a flash dazzles me a little on the right side. I look up and smile.

\- Kazu? You never let go of this camera?  
\- Hum…no.  
\- Then go to something else, you will not continue to take pictures of me every 5 minutes.

I hear him come closer to me and he embrace me from behind, placing his head against my shoulder.

\- It’s just that you inspire me, Satoyan, and that I want immortalize you sexitude at every moment of the day.  
\- I’m flattered but you mean “sexiness” I suppose, because “sexitude” doesn’t exists.  
\- It must do! I’ll add it to the dictionary with your picture as definition!

I laugh and turn to kiss him briefly before going back to my pancake dough. My lover then departs from me and dive his finger in the bowl where I mix the preparation.

\- Hey! I say.

For only answer, he looks at me in the eyes and put his finger in his mouth with this mischievous and teasing look of him.

\- I’m pretty sure that your hands aren’t even clean! You’re disgusting! I say laughing a little and holding my desires to jump on him.  
\- You’re too stuck, Satoyan! Don’t worry, I do not have the plague!

He does not let me answer and dive again his finger in the dough before putting it on my nose. He smiles, proud of him, and lick the rest of dough on his index finger, taking his camera in hands to take another picture of me. He looks at it while I remove the pancake mix from my nose with a towel and take a stove in the cupboard.

\- Aw! You’re so cute with your little lost face! He says pinching my cheek.  
\- I don’t know what prevents me to strangle you.

He kiss the cheek he was pinching and returns to his place in my back.

\- It is because you love me, Satoyan.

It’s true, I love him. I love him much more than anything else in this universe.

*end of flashback*

 

*****

 

In the beginning of the afternoon, Satoe-chan and me are going to her grandmother’s home. She firmly hold my hand on the whole path and still hold her plush with her other arm. But when Ninomiya-san open to us, the little girl let go of my hand and run to jump into her grandmother’s arms.

\- Obaa-chan !  
\- Satoe-chan! How was it at Satoshi-kun’s home? I hope you were gentle.  
\- Hum! He makes me pancakes this morning, just like those he made for papa!  
\- Super! come on, come in.

She smiles at me and let us enter the house. We take off our shoes and the mother of my ex-lover points me the living room while she go to change Satoe who still wears the clothes from the funeral of her father. I enter the indicated room and fall on Kazunari’s smiling face. I respond to his smile and go kneeling before him to pray a little and then sit at the low table. Ninomiya-san and her granddaughter comes back and Satoe go places herself like me before the portrait of her father while the woman go making some tea.

\- Papa, I slept at Satoshi-kun’s home yesterday and I was super wise! I don’t even cried and he made pancakes!

She turns to me.

\- Ne Satoshi-kun?  
\- Ah…Hum. It’s true.

She continues to talk to him for longs minutes. Longs minutes during which I observe her with admiration because I, even at his portrait, I don’t know what to say. It has been so long. Talking about him, I can do it without any problem but talking to him, I became unable to do it since years, and I just realized it.

Ninomiya-san comes back with a tray. She serve me a cup of tea and an orange juice to Satoe. The little girl quit then her father to come drinking her glass with a straw.

\- I did not ask you, Satoshi-kun. How is going your work?  
\- Good, I teach in high school, right now.  
\- Is this not what you wanted? My son had talked about that one time.  
\- Exact. Before that, I wasn’t really stable but it’s been a few years since I have this post and  
I’m glad to have it.  
\- And…at the sentimental level? You…have someone else in your life ?

I take a look at Satoe who makes some bubbles in her glass. I don’t know If we can talk about that when she’s there.

\- No. I say with a low voice.  
\- I understand. I is not easy with a breakup like yours. You’re sure it’s going to be okay with Satoe?  
\- I believe. I’m a little bit anxious though. I have never take care of a child before.  
\- Satoe-chan is not a difficult child, don’t worry about that. If you need some help, you can always call me.  
\- Thank you.  
\- Ne, Satoe-chan? You promise to be gentle with Satoshi-kun?  
\- Yeah!  
\- Please say “yes” sweetie, “yeah” or “hum” is not pretty In the mouth of a cute little girl like you.  
\- Haaaai!

We laugh, this little one is really adorable. Ninomiya-san’s face become however more serious.

\- Satoe-chan? Can you go playing a little in your room?  
\- Haaai!

Satoe stands up and run in her room like her grandmother says. The woman then goes open a cabinet and takes a cardboard box out of it. She places it on the table push it before me. It is written “university” on it.

\- I went to the apartment where Kazunari and Satoe were living and I found this box. I think you must take it. It contents some old things that belong to him.  
\- Thank you, are you sure you want me to have it? You don’t want to keep it?  
\- No, take it. I have enough memories of him, it would be selfish if I don’t give you anything.

She says with her gentle smiles.

\- Thank you, thank you so much.

I’m really appreciate her. From Kazunari, i’ve only my memories and some pictures. I wonder what this box can contain, it looks ready to explode. I’ll take a look at home.

\- Ah! I must give you the contact information of Satoe’s kindergarten.

She takes a piece of paper and a pen. Kindergarten? I totally forgot it ! Congratulations, nice beginning, Satoshi.

\- It is not far from here but I don’t know where you live now.  
\- I’m living some kilometers far from your house, we came with the bus. I’ll manage, don’t worry about me.  
\- Are you sure?  
\- Yes, yes!  
\- Then, here. She says giving me the paper where she wrote the address and number of the school.  
\- Count on me, I’ll take good care of Satoe-chan.  
\- I know it, already. She smiles.

 

*****

 

On the way back, I took the time to examine the address of the school. It's not far from home, we can even walk there. I have to drop Satoe for 8am, I'll be a little just in time at high school but it should be fine.

Satoe walks next to me holding my hand. We almost arrived in front of my building. Suddenly she stops. I turn to face her.

\- What is happening? I ask him.  
\- Say, Satoshi-kun ... Will you take care of me for life?  
\- Why this?  
\- I would like to know.  
\- Do you want it?

She smiles and continues walking.

\- Hum! Because my Daddy always talked about you.  
\- Really?  
\- Yeah, he said you were very very in love and that you were super nice and funny. So I would like to be with you forever!  
\- In this case, I'll take care of you.  
\- Yeah!

I tell her that but I know it's complicated. I do not even know if I'll be able to take care of her even a few days. And even if I can and I want to adopt her, it will take months before the procedures are in order. But I cannot break her joy and innocence and she is still too young to understand.  
The important thing for now is that she wants to stay with me and me with her, that we both want to get to know each other and me to know more about what has been Kazunari's life all this years.

When we arrive at the door of my apartment. I am surprised to find it open. We enter. The light is on and a bunch of keys is placed on the furniture where I usually store my shoes and put my own keychain. Shit, he's here and he does not know that the little one lives with me. He makes his appearance at the end of the corridor without me having time to think of anything else.

\- Ah! Not too soon! I came in with my keys, I had to give you...

Jun stops in his sentence at the sight of Satoe and stares at her, his eyes bulging. Intimidated, the girl hides behind me and grabs the fabric of my jeans.

\- You explain to me? he asks me finally.


	4. Chapter 4

Satoe plays in my room while I make tea for Jun who catches me from his chair. I finally sit in front of him at the table, serve him his cup and I'm ready to tell him everything but he speaks in my place after taking a sip.

\- Seriously, Satoshi-kun ... Do not tell me you're that kid's father?  
\- No no…  
\- Who is she? Don’t tell me you kidnapped her…  
\- Don’t be stupid, it's ...

Words fail me, my throat hoarse suddenly. I hesitate. He's going to lecture me again as he sometimes does, but I have to tell him the truth.

\- This is Kazunari's daughter. I say in a breath.  
\- Sorry ?!  
\- You heard it.  
\- He had a kid?  
\- Yes…  
\- That's why he ... and you ...?  
\- Yes…  
\- So that means he cheated on you ... with a woman?  
\- There was never anything between them ...  
\- They slept together, I'll tell you. The girl did not fall from the sky.  
\- It was not wanted, they were both drunk ... it was an accident ...  
\- Hell, Satoshi, he preferred to leave you for this woman!  
\- But it's because we did not give him the choice!

Without me noticing it, I raised my voice a little and got up from my chair to fix Jun right in the eyes. He looks at me for a moment before crossing his legs and I sit down with a sigh. He does not understand anything; he does not know him...

\- Nevertheless, for me, the facts are there. What does his kid do here? She would not have a mother at all?  
\- She died during childbirth.  
\- Well then…  
\- He asked me to adopt her. For now, nothing is done! We do a kind of test if you want. I do not even know if I'll keep her with me.  
\- You're really too good dough to accept such a situation. One day it will get you into trouble.  
\- I did not intend to do it at the base. But before going to Kazunari's funeral, I asked myself a lot of questions, I wondered what she could look like and that sort of thing. When I met her she told me that she wanted to live with me because I was in love with her father. What did you want me to say to her? She is only 5 years old, Jun.  
\- The truth. You do not know how to take care of a child and it's not because you go out with her father that she has to imagine that you want to keep her with you.  
\- She looks so like him. She acts exactly like him; it's as if he's close to me again, as if he had left me something. I waited for this moment for years.  
\- But it's not him! It's his daughter and he will never come back! You have to make a reason, damn it!

He puts his hand on his face then gets up and takes his bag. He leaves a leaflet that he throws in front of me on the table.

\- Here, I came to bring you the schedule of meetings and the schedule of the trip to the aquarium of the 1st years. You accompany too, it seems to me? I leave you, since you seem busy playing the replacement fathers.

He leaves the room and a few minutes later, I hear the door slam. The little girl opens the door of my bedroom and looks at me, looking worried.

\- Satoshi-kun? She asks me.  
\- Hum?  
\- He left, the scary man?  
\- Hum, he's gone.

She then opens the door a little more and runs to join me before climbing on my knees and hug me against her.

\- He's mean and scary; I never want to see him again!

I laugh briefly and discreetly. It's true that Jun can be scary at first.

\- Don’t worry, Satoe-chan. He's a friend of mine, his name is Jun-kun, and he's very nice when he's not mad.  
\- Why was he angry? It's my fault?

She stares straight into my eyes when she says that, as if she's trying to read my thoughts to find the answer to her question.

\- No, no, I reassure you. He's a bit grumpy, that's all.  
\- Daddy was grumpy too, it's obaa-chan who said it! She said, sketching a broad smile.  
\- That's right, it's true. Very grumpy.

 

*****

 

Later, I cover Satoe with the quilt of my bed and wish her a good night. As I was about to get up, she clutched at my t-shirt and almost begged me.

\- What is happening ?  
\- Can you tell me a story?  
\- A story ?  
\- Um ...

I'm far from an expert in children's stories and yesterday she had fallen asleep before arriving home, so I did not have to worry about that.

\- You know, I'm not good at telling stories.  
\- Dad either, he was not good.  
\- Ah yes?  
\- Yeah, so he was talking to me about you.  
\- And what did he say, for example?

She thinks, rolling her eyes and answering me.

\- He told me how he met you and that he fell in love with you.

This, he never told me. I always thought I was the only one who loved him at first sight.

\- And you? Did you fall in love at first sight with daddy?  
\- Somehow. I say with a small smile.  
\- What does "somehow" mean?

I laugh at the puzzled look of the girl.

\- It means yes.  
\- Yeah! I'm happy! Say ... you loved him a lot, my daddy?  
\- Yes, a lot.  
\- Very much ?  
\- More than you can imagine.  
\- I wish you were my dad too, so I could have seen you both in love. When I asked Dad why you were not home with us when he loved you very hard, he said it was because he loved me even harder. He also explained to me that to make a baby you need a man and a woman and that two men did not work so as long as I was there...it was not sad that you were not there.

I say nothing and notice a few dozen seconds later that I'm crying. Satoe notices my discomfort and gets on her knees to wipe away the tears that flow from my eyes with her little hands.

\- Don’t cry Satoshi-kun. It does not mean that he didn’t loved you anymore, he really loved you very hard, you know?

She surrounds me with both arms and snuggles against me after kissing me on my cheek. Without thinking too much, my arms are also holding her and our embrace lasts a few minutes. We only separate when I hear her snore lightly. She fell asleep. So I lie her down in my bed, carefully cover her with the quilt and leaves the room leaving the door ajar.

The cupboard that Ninomiya-san gave me is on the coffee table, not far from me. I approach, sit on the couch and lift the lid. Inside, I find, among other things, the famous camera that never left Kazunari.

I take a quick glance, nostalgic, and then pose it carefully next to me to continue my discovery of the box.

I find pictures, lots of pictures. From him, from both of us, from his daughter and him ... I cannot believe he kept so much pictures of us, I do not have that much. By cons, I have in my possession full notebooks filled with drawings representing him. I found his leather bag that he used to come to class and also pose it on the couch next to me. The rest of the box contains other personal items, including gifts I gave him when we were together, as her mother told me.

After finishing my investigation, I take a look at the clock in the living room. 11:38 p.m. It's time for me to go to bed. Tomorrow I work and I have to take Satoe to school. I put back everything I took out of the box carefully. As I lean to the side to grab the camera a little away from me, Kazunari's bag slides and crashes to the ground. However, it emits a thud, as if it contained something. I pick it up and open it. Indeed, I find there a rather bulky notebook and dated from April 2008 to November 2012.

I put the bag in the box, close it and open the notebook on the first page before reading diagonally. No doubt, it's the writing of my ex-lover. I continue my reading more conscientiously, curious about what he could write during this period.

April 7, 2008

I do not know why but I feel the need to express myself through the paper. I feel like a high school girl but...

I do not know why I need it now, when my real problem started almost nine months ago.

I was with a man I loved more than anything and I ruined everything under the influence of anger after a ridiculous little fight between us. I drowned my anger in alcohol and while I was drunk, I put a girl, whom I hardly knew, pregnant. Her parents were strict and they forced me to marry her. So I had to leave Satoshi, because yes, it's the name of the man in my life, without even explaining why. What could I have told him anyway?

In fact, it is to him that I want to confide more now but I am unable to reconnect with him. He must hate me now, and he will surely hate me even more if he knows the truth. So instead, I'll act as if I'm talking to him from now on.

Dear Satoshi,  
A lot of things have happened in my life these last months. I got married, I moved in, I spent months moping and no later than this afternoon, I became a father.

Astonishing is not it? I who did not see me with children in the future...

The hospital called me this morning to warn me that my wife, Chiemi, was in serious condition, that her life and the life of our child were in danger. I did not like Chiemi but I did not wish her any harm and the news made me pale with fear. I rushed to the hospital and waited hours and hours in an austere waiting room.

A man finally came up to me and told me that Chiemi had died due to severe bleeding. The baby was alive and in perfect health. I could not shed a single tear or show any feelings about my wife's death. We lived as two strangers in our apartment for months. I wanted to entrust the child to an institution and come back to you.

But I could not, because the doctor took me to see the baby. It's a girl and probably the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life. She is very small and so fragile. In meeting her for the first time, she, such a small being, managed to break the dam of my tears.

I spent the rest of the day near her learning how to take care of her or watch her without getting tired of her. Every time she started to cry, I took her in my arms and she calmed down instantly, as reassured by my simple touch, my mere presence. I never thought I was so happy and proud at the same time; I even pinched myself several times to be sure not to live in a dream. Me? A father? I never thought that possible and even less with such ease and pleasure to slip into this role.

In fact, I think it was her who made me feel the need to confide me because it's just after finally agreeing to let go of her, to stop contemplating her beautiful little face and to have left her to the nursery care for the night that the idea came to me to buy this notebook in the stationery konbini near the clinic.

"I want to become the best example for her to follow."

"I want to protect her until my last breath."

"I want her to be happy in all circumstances."

"I want to enjoy every moment with her because I know they will be precious."

A bunch of phrases I never thought I'd hear myself thinking or saying.  
Excuse me, Satoshi. I will never stop loving you but you will understand that I love my daughter even more than you, even if I was convinced that it was impossible. She managed to get me out of my depression and change me dramatically.

I close the notebook. All that, I already knew it but to read it again makes me feel so sad for the man who shared my life and also for Satoe who has probably lost the most loving father she can have.  
I get up, yawn and grab the notebook and cupboard before returning to my room. I find my closet as I can in the dark and drop the box. I then unroll my futon next to the bed where the little girl is still sleeping deeply with her bear.

As I lie down and fold the quilt on me, I think back to Jun. The atmosphere is likely to be tense tomorrow in the teachers' room. I just hope our friendship will not suffer. I definitely do not understand his reaction. Is he afraid that I will not spend more time with him? Is he afraid that I will forget him? It certainly will not happen, Jun is the first friend I've made since Kazu left me and I really care about him.

He always supported me in difficult times and had no trouble accepting that I love men. I really owe him a lot of things.

I turn to the side and see the dark silhouette of the girl, asleep. One thing is certain, if a choice must be made, sorry, Jun, but it will be done quickly. I will not give up on Satoe while her and her father are counting on me. She does not deserve to be left again, even though I know that she have still her grandmother. And even if I cannot keep her with me, I do not intend to disappear from her life as his father did with me, reluctantly.


	5. Chapter 5

I run. I think I have never run so fast in my life. I do not know where I am, only a long white corridor stretches before me. I do not know where I am going but my race stops in front of a door that I open on the fly to enter what I guess is a room. Slowly, I advance to the bed where a body is covered with a white sheet. I lift it and the face of Kazunari faces me. My fingers brush against his ice-cold cheek as I sadly contemplate my lifeless lover. Suddenly, he opens his eyes and looks at me angrily: "It's too late! He shouts.

I wake up with a start, panting. My alarm rings. For how long, I don't know but the Satoe-chan is kneeling in my bed and looks at me, looking worried. I sigh with relief, it was just a nightmare. I turn off the alarm clock and turn to Satoe before smiling and ruffling her hair gently.

\- Ohayo. I said.  
His face does not change.  
\- Satoshi-kun, did you have a nightmare?  
\- Huh? Ah yes. Daijoubu. I reassure her.

She gets out of bed and hugs me

\- When we had a nightmare, a hug makes it leave and it'll not returns anymore!  
\- Arigatou Satoe-chan.

The girl is moving away from me and I get up.

\- Yosh! It's time for breakfast! I'm full of energy.  
\- Yeah! She exclaims with me.

 

*****

After a hearty breakfast, Satoe and I walk down the street towards her school. Actually, she walks in front of me and I follow her. She is adorable with her little yellow hat screwed on the head and her shoulder bag with matching color. I check my watch just to make sure I'm not late. But no. I still have room, assuming I don't miss my bus.

We finally arrive in front of the school gate. Other mothers argue here and there in small groups while keeping their toddlers glued to them, replacing their hats or adjusting their bags to their shoulders. I must be the only man to drop a child, I feel a little lonely for once ...

The girl takes me by the hand and approaches me. Exactly like his father: Very shy in the middle of a group. Kazunari has already told me thousands of times that he had a hard time going to others at school and that he gained more confidence in growing up.

A teacher approaches us, smiling, and greets me before stooping up to Satoe.

\- Ohayo, Satoe-chan!  
\- Ohayo Ikuta-sensei. The girl answers, her voice half smothered by the fabric of my pants.  
\- How are you today ?  
\- Good.

The man smiles and ruffles the girl's hair before getting up.

\- Ano ... I start, trying to find the words to explain the situation.  
\- Don't worry, Ninomiya-san warned me yesterday that you take care of Satoe-chan. I am Ikuta Toma, the teacher of the butterfly class. In this case, that of Satoe-chan.

He hands me his hand and I seize to shake it.

\- Ohno Satoshi. I said.  
\- Jaa, Satoe-chan? You come to play in the yard with your friends?

The little nods and decides to finally let go of my jeans. She turns to me and beckons me down before kissing me on the cheek and go into the courtyard with the other children, on the other side of the colorful portal. And I stay there, fixing an invisible point in the direction of this barrier for a while. It's Ikuta-sensei who calls me to order by waving his hand in front of my eyes.

\- Ohno-san?  
\- Ha ... Hai? I go down to earth.  
\- You don't have to go to work? he asks with a smile.  
\- Yes... You're right, I'm going there.  
\- Have a good day ! he tells me before I walk away to the bus stop.

 

*****

As I had imagined, I arrived just right in high school. I went straight to the art room for my first class of the day, so I have not had a chance to meet Jun.

The students I have during the next two hours are 2nd year. A class quite calm, I must say. They continue to work on their works today. I don't have much to do except maybe turn a little around them to observe, give advice or the other ... But, seeing that they are doing well, I decided to go sit down at my desk and scribble a bit in my sketchbook. I never go out without a notebook and pencil. It allows me to spend time and put my ideas on paper if I have a sudden wave of inspiration.

I have already drawn on the subway. I don't take it very often, I prefer the bus, but still enough to know the feeling that it makes when it's tight, compressed by lots of other people of all kinds and not always more pleasant . Thus, the day when, by a miracle, I found it empty enough to sit on it, I wanted to immortalize the moment and I represented my entire entourage with a few pencil strokes on a page of my notebook.

When the bell rings, I make a small leap on my chair, coming out of this trance brutally in which my artistic inspiration plunges me. The students, who were obviously already packing their things, look at me with a funny look for a moment before I apologize with a sorry smile. They leave the room and it is my turn to put my notebook and pencil in my bag before leaving the workshop and lock the door until my afternoon classes.

Having two more hours to kill before the lunch break and in view of the great weather of the season, I decided to go out to mend the head. I have my little secret garden in high school. Nothing special, it's just the roof of the school. This is where I go. Arrived at the top, I stretch out all my long and contemplates the unobstructed view of the city that offers this place. I sit on the concrete and search my bag for my notebook to resume my sketches quietly.

But it's not my drawing pad that I get out of my bag, it's Kazu's diary. This same diary I read the first lines last night. I had completely forgotten that I had put it there. Change of plan, my curiosity pushes me to continue reading and I turn the pages to resume where I left off.

 

April 8, 2008

Dear Satoshi,

After a night that seemed endless, I went back to the hospital to see my daughter in the early hours of visits. However, I met my stepfather in the lobby or rather, it is him who approached me. He asked to speak to me privately. We went out and once out of sight, he punched me in the face. I'm still hurting now.

He told me that Chiemi would be buried in the cellar of their family and that they did not want to deal with me or my daughter anymore, that we were the only ones responsible for her death and she did not deserve to finish so. He continued his sermon saying that it had been itching for months to slap his fist right in my face when he saw how unhappy his daughter was because of me, treating me again and again all the names of birds possible and imaginable then he left by repeating to me that I did not have to count on their family in case of problem. I stayed alone for a while, then I went back inside.

I know that I am responsible for Chiemi's death and misfortune, I know it better than anyone. But the baby has nothing to do with this story. She did not ask to come into the world in these circumstances and survive her mother while her irresponsible father wished them to disappear for months and never cared for the welfare of his wife. If I could see Chiemi one last time, I would apologize for what I did to her and then thank her very much for the gift she left me and who is none other than our baby.

A fool like me does not deserve such happiness.

April 9, 2008

Dear Satoshi,

Although it has been two days since my daughter was born, I declared her birth in the civil registry today. Naturally, I found him a name but I did not have the opportunity to reveal it to you.

I thought about it the first night after she was born, but I could not find a pretty perfect name for her before hours. At home, I entered for the first time in the second room reserved for her. Chiemi had prepared everything without me paying attention. The walls were repainted, furniture mounted, clothes stored in wardrobes and bundles of diapers stacked in one corner of the room. Everything was done with care, a pretty lilac color. In view of the rest of the decoration and clothing, I could deduce that she already knew she would have a daughter.

In short, while inspecting the room, I found a book entitled "Find the perfect name for my baby" placed on a small bedside table next to the rocking chair. I flipped through it to find an idea. Chiemi had carefully highlighted a few names but I did not really like them until I came across the name "Satoe". I don't know if it was chance or if I mentioned your name to her during our meeting but I immediately found it perfect. A feminine variant of your name that rings nicely in my ears when I pronounce it and that Chiemi kept as an option to name our daughter.

So, as long as my daughter is here, I will never forget you and respect her mother's memory.

April 12, 2008

Dear Satoshi,

Satoe is 5 days old and this morning I was able to take her home. I'm alone with her now but my mother has come to help me for the day and I'm doing well enough to take care of her. She does not cry much. On the other hand, what does she spend like sleeping time!

I did not know that newborns slept so much, I had rather the image of the baby who screams all day long to be changed or fed. But no, she even fell asleep while I gave her the bottle just now.

Now that we are alone, I am constantly worried (I write in her room watching her sleep for fear that something will happen). My mother tells me that it's normal at first but that I don't have to worry about it. She has good ones! I cannot close my eyes as I'm afraid she's choking in her sleep or I can not hear her crying (and yet, as you can imagine, she has a pretty loud voice, just like her Father…).

Ah yes ! I left my job two days ago. I worked in a small company but this job did not suit me. It was Chiemi's parents who forced me to apply, they claimed that the profession of photographer was not a profession worthy of the name. Now that I am free again of my choices, I will apply for what I am good at and especially what I like. When Ill have save enough money, I'll move to another apartment with Satoe, to turn the page in some way.

 

I close the notebook and fix it without knowing why. A gentle spring breeze strokes my face and I put Kazu's newspaper in my bag. A second later, I feel a hand resting on my shoulder and I jump before turning suddenly to face Jun who hands me a can of tea from one of the distributors of the teachers' room.

\- Jun? You scared me ! I said, accepting the drink.

He does not answer and come and sit cross-legged next to me while I open my can. He does the same and drinks a sip before speaking.

\- I knew I would find you here. He said, staring at the horizon.  
\- Of course, I come every time I have a hole in my day. Well, I suppose you've come to lecture me again?  
\- No, I came to apologize, again. I got carried away yesterday and I should not have. That's good, what are you doing ... I mean ... taking care of the girl and everything ... It's just that ... I kind of feel that you're focusing too much on her father and I don't want you to go back because you imagine that she is his perfect look-alike. It's his daughter, ok, but it will never be him.  
\- I know, Jun. I am no longer at the same stage as when we met. Don't worry.  
\- You are my best friend, Satoshi, I only want your happiness.

We stay in silence for a moment before he starts talking again.

\- How's it going ?  
\- Huh?  
\- With the little one...

I smile.

\- Well, she is absolutely adorable. We often share our experience with Kazunari, I think it's good for both of us.  
\- All the better.  
\- Looks like she's pretty shy. Besides, she was scared of you yesterday.  
\- Why are all kids scared of me? I'm so scary? He asks, looking me in the eyes.

His face shows such a serious expression that it becomes absurd and I start laughing uncontrollably.

\- What?  
\- You look so serious, it's hilarious!  
\- Mou ... Satoshi ... he moaned.  
\- If you want my opinion it's because you look rather intimidating at first.  
\- Whatever ! have you been afraid of me?  
\- Hmm ... a little. I said

He pushes me a little aside and we laugh together for a moment. The school bell rang, telling us the lunch hour. Jun gets up and holds out his hand.

\- You come ? It's time to eat, I invite you.  
\- Wow, you'll pay me a meal at the high school self, we can say that you don't look at the expense!  
\- That's it, make fun!

I put my bag back on my shoulder and grabs his hand before getting up and we go down together from the roof.

*****

The bus drops me not far from Satoe's school. I then walk to that point, pass the gate, cross the courtyard and finally enter the room where the daycare is held for children whose parents don't come to pick them up directly after school. Satoe is there, sitting at a table doing coloring with Ikuta-sensei and 2 other children.

\- Konbanwa ... do I to signal my presence.

They all turn towards me and the face of the little girl lights up.

\- Satoshi-kun!

She abandons her drawing to come and hug me. Ikuta also gets up and approaches us.

\- Konbanwa, Ohno-san. Satoe-chan was very good today as always.

I don't have time to answer that a young man, younger than me, wearing an apron and a cap screwed on his head enters the room. The teacher turns to a little boy sitting at the table.

\- Masaki-kun, Uehara-kun is here.  
\- Haaaai! the child raises to get his things from one of the coat racks in the classroom.

Once ready, the child leaves with the young man after a few words exchanged between Ikuta-sensei and the latter. From what I understand, the little boy's parents are holding a restaurant and don't have time to pick up their son. The one who came looking for him is a young man who works for them.

Once they are gone, only a little girl sits at the table, coloring without a word. I wonder if she will stay here long and if it's usual ... The teacher finally comes back to Satoe and me.

\- Jaa, see you tomorrow morning, Ohno-san?  
\- Ano ...  
\- Yes ?

After careful consideration, I refrain from asking for answers to my questions. It's none of my business. Instead, I smile at Ikuta-sensei.

\- Nothing. It doesn't matter.  
\- If you say it. He said answering my smile.

I then lean towards Satoe.

\- You get your things and we're going back home?  
\- Haaai! she runs to the corner where the coat racks are, as the little boy did just before her.

She returns a few minutes later, hat on the head and shoulder bag. She takes my hand in hers and shakes the other in front of Ikuta.

\- Bye bye, Ikuta-Sensei! she says with less timidity than this morning, which makes me think that the contrast is surely due to the number of people around her.  
\- Bye bye, Satoe-chan! see you tomorrow Ohno-san.  
\- See you tomorrow. I say before leaving the room, not without a last look at the girl at the table remained alone at the table.

We leave the school on foot and the child then begins the full story of her day until we arrive at home.


	6. Chapter 6

\- Itadakimasu  
\- Itadakimasu

Satoe and I start eating our evening meal. I didn't have time to do big groceries so I just bought some ready-made bentos on my way home. The girl, as always, eats heartily.

\- Sorry for tonight's dinner, Satoe-chan. I'll doo groceries tomorrow.

She shakes her head.

\- It doesn't matter Satoshi-kun. She said punctuating her sentence with a bright smile.  
\- So ... You had fun at school?  
\- Hum! We sang, we made drawings and I went tobogganing with Masaki-kun and Setsuna-chan!  
\- Setsuna-chan? Was it the little girl with you at the daycare just now?  
\- Hum! She lives with her dad and he works a lot so she always stays last.  
\- So Ka ...

Now I understand better, the father of this little girl must be very busy.

\- Masaki-kun, his house is a restaurant. His dad came to talk about his job at school and Setsuna-chan's dad too. Dad had to go too, but ...

The little one's head down and seems about to cry. Yet she looks up and displays a small smile.

\- But he had to stay in the hospital because of his illness. It's not his fault.

Satoe-chan is much braver than me. She shows very little grief after the death of her father and is only a child. Maybe it's because she's still too little, she may not be aware of what death is.

\- Satoshi-kun?  
\- Yes ?  
\- What is your work ?  
\- I'm teaching painting and drawing in high school.  
\- Ooooh ... That's right, Dad told me that you drew suuuper well! Will you show me?  
\- After dinner and bath. I say chuckling.

*****

After the Satoe's bath, I took out my old sketchbooks and we look at them together.

\- And that, Satoshi-kun, what's it?  
\- This is the university park where your dad and I went.

My eyes glide to the lower right corner of the page and the date confirms what I thought. It's the drawing I made when he came to talk to me that day, shortly after our meeting.

\- Sugoi! she exclaims for at least the 20th time of the evening.

I turn the page and the drawing that follows pulls me a little nostalgic smile. This is the first drawing I made of Kazunari. At the time, we did not go out together yet, I think I had to draw him head on, one of those nights where he did not leave my thoughts.

\- Is it daddy? the girl asks, pointing at the sketch of the finger.  
\- Hmm.  
\- You drew him a lot?  
\- Enormously, he was my muse.  
\- What's a muse?  
\- It's a person who makes you want to draw only it.  
\- Oooh ...

I turn the pages, the portraits of Kazunari succeed each other from every angle and Satoe remains amazed at my works.

\- You drew really really a lot. She observes.  
\- Hum, but your dad did the same, he took lots and lots of pictures of me.  
\- And me too, even when he was sick.  
\- Your dad never left his camera, he had saved a lot of money to afford it and had worked hard to enter the university to become a photographer. He realized his dream, you know? It's something rare and precious.

The little yawn to unhook her jaw. My eyes slide towards the clock and find that it is more than time to put her to bed. I close my notebook and put it on the coffee table.

\- It's time to go to bed, Satoe-chan.

She gets up and goes to the room, I follow her. As soon as she puts her head on the pillow, she falls asleep. It must have been a long day for her. I cover her up properly and watch her sleep for a moment before leaving the room. I'm not sleepy. To occupy my evening in silence, I decided to resume my reading of Kazu's diary where I left it. The picture of a baby is glued to the page where I stopped this morning. I did not even notice it. Of course, this baby is Satoe-chan. The photo had to be taken by Kazu at the maternity ward because above the child's head is a card with her name, date of birth and other informations.

April 15, 2008

Dear Satoshi,

Satoe is 8 days old. On the next page, this is the first picture I took of her. I took it two days after her birth. Don't you think she looks like me? I have not yet managed to immortalise them correctly but everyone tells me that she has my eyes.

I think I'm getting used to my new pace of life. Now I can prepare a bottle in record time! Fortunately, because considering the appetite of the baby it's better if I want to spare my eardrums a minimum.

It's crazy, when I see her I feel like falling in love again. She's so perfect, I'm sure there is no more perfect child in the world. I have always found parents who made such comments completely ridiculous, but now that I became a father, I fully understand how they feel. But my daughter far surpasses their gremlins in strollers!

Nevertheless, Satoshi, you don't quit my thoughts since our breakup. I regret what I did and I will never forgive myself. I hope you're well, that you will find someone who will not flee like the coward that I have been and that I still am for not trying to come back to you. But I can't come back anymore, you certainly will not want Satoe who is, in spite of her, the cause of your misfortune and I can't leave her, never.

However, your smiling face in the morning, your soothing warmth by my side before falling asleep, your kisses that melted me in an instant, your voice soft and calm in all circumstances; all that, I miss it more than you can imagine. I would like to write to you, but I can't, for fear of rejection or ignorance that would break my heart more than now.

It's a strange feeling to be filled with happiness by a little being who has never even spoken to me while suffering from your lack of which I am nevertheless responsible. I love Satoe more than anything in the world, the times I spend with her are priceless but once in bed, waiting for sleep to seize me, this bed seems huge for me alone.

I wish I could have you both ...

*****

\- Satoshi, do you want me to take you home after the meeting?  
\- Huh? What? Which meeting? I said when prepare myself to exit the teacher's room to go in the art class for the lessons of the afternoon.  
\- The meeting tonight. Did not you read the schedule I brought you the other day?  
\- I had to forget ...

Indeed, this schedule is completely out of my head and I could not arrange for the Satoe. That's a real problem.

\- What's the matter ? Jun asks me. Why are you making this face ?  
\- We'll have until 7 pm, right?  
\- Yes, as usual.  
\- I'm supposed to pick Satoe up at kindergarten at 5 pm.  
\- Can't you call to make arrangements?

I sigh.

\- I'm going to try. See you later at the meeting.  
\- Hmm.

I leave definitely the room and take the elevator to go to art class. When I enter the room, my students are already settled. Third year, talkative but not bad.

\- Hello everyone, you can go back to your works, I have a personal phone call and I am yours.

So I put my bag on the desk and out of the room while the students get to work. I then grabbed my phone in my pocket and dialed the school number. It's a female voice that answers me, I don't know her. It's probably the director.

\- Yotsuba kindergarten, what can I do for you?  
\- Ohno Satoshi desu, I'm taking care of Ninomiya Satoe-chan ... from the butterfly class I think ...  
\- Hai, hai. What can I help you with ?  
\- I will not be able to pick her up at 5 pm as planned, I have an impediment that could last until 7 pm and I wondered until what time was the daycare of the school ...  
\- Don't worry Ohno-san, our daycare is held until 8 pm.  
\- 8 pm ? I am relieved.  
\- Don't worry, I'll send the message to Ikuta-sensei.  
\- Thank you very much !  
\- Good afternoon Ohno-san.  
\- Good afternoon.

I hang up, relieved. I can go back to school a little quieter, knowing that I will not worry too much for Satoe-chan during tonight's meeting. My students are calm. I take this opportunity to continue the sketch I started yesterday while waiting for the bell to ring.

*****

* Flashback *

Footsteps near me wake me up. I open my eyes and in the darkness of my room, I can distinguish the silhouette of Kazunari who puts his jeans on and then buckle his belt not far from my bed. He turns around and his eyes cross mine.

\- Hey! whispers it.  
\- You planned to go like this? without even kissing me?  
\- I didn't want to wake you up Satoyan, my class starts early today. He said to me, leaning down to imprison my lips with his own.

He wants to get away from me but I hold him firmly by the wrist.

\- I'm not your one night stand, I expect a minimum of attention from you. I say with a small smile.  
\- Gomen. We would have seen each other at the cafeteria at lunchtime.  
\- Hmmm ... I know, and I already know what I'm going to eat for dessert.

This time, it's his turn to show a small smile on the corner of his lips. He observes me by biting his lower lip and kissed me passionately before donning his t-shirt, his shoes and grabbed his bag and camera on my desk.

\- You'll thank your roommate for leaving us that night. I love you. He said smiling at me one last time before leaving the room.

I laugh internally, I almost made him crack but it's true that morning bed activities aren't really appropriate for him, it's true that his lesson begins at dawn and he works hard to achieve his dream. I will not get in his way. His passion for photography and his seriousness when it comes to his studies are two of the things I like about him. I smiled vaguely staring at the door through which my boyfriend came out and after many minutes, my glance slips on my alarm clock which indicates 6: 14 pm. My first lesson of the day is at 9 am. I rest my head on my pillow and put the blancket on my shoulders to go back to the land of dreams.

* end of flashback *

\- Satoshi ! Oi ! Satoshi !

I wake up shaken by Jun. I rub my eyes a little. We are in his car and from what I see, we stopped near kindergarten.

\- We arrived at the kindergarten, you're sure you don't want me to take you home? I can wait two minutes, you know?  
\- No, no, it'll be fine. Thank you Jun.  
\- Jaa, see you tomorrow?  
\- Hmm. See you tomorrow.

I open the door and exit the vehicle. Once on the sidewalk, I wave to my friend who then walks away. I walk a few more meters and enter the kindergarten yard. In this month of May, it's not yet dark outside, it's a chance. I enter the building and easily find the class where the daycare takes place. When I enter, Satoe throws herself on me.

\- Saaatoshi-kun!  
\- Konbanwa Satoe-chan, Gomen ne, I couldn't come sooner.

She shakes her head.

\- It doesn't matter.

Setsuna-chan, since that's her name, is still here today and she still stares us in silence before returning to her drawing. Ikuta-sensei approaches me.

\- Konbanwa, Ohno-san. Everything went well today too.  
\- Excuse me for calling at the last minute. I lean forward.  
\- Don't worry about that, Ohno-san.

The door opens hurriedly and a breathless man in a tie suit enters the room.

\- Daddy !

The face of the little girl at the table lights up and she gets up to go throwing herself into the arms of the newcomer. He kisses her on the forehead and installs her on his hip.

\- Sakurai-san, konbanwa. Says Ikuta-sensei.  
\- Konbanwa. The man answers.

I give him a nod to greet him and he answers.

\- Jaa, Satoe-chan, you take your things back and we're going?  
\- Hum!  
\- Setsuna, you're going too? It's already late and we have to go home.

Sakurai places her daughter on the floor and she follows Satoe to the coat racks.

\- I'll help you, girls. Said the teacher before following them too.

Here I am alone with Setsuna-chan's father. He's the one who starts the conversation.

\- You must be the father of Satoe-chan, I've never seen you before, I think it was her grandmother who ...  
\- No, no, there's a mistake, I'm not her father. He died and I ... take care of her for a few days.  
\- Oh I see. I'm sorry, I got carried away. Sakurai Sho. He says, holding out his right hand.  
\- Ohno Satoshi. I answer by shaking his hand with a smile.  
\- My daughter isn't always very talkative outside of us but she and Satoe-chan are very friends, she often talks about her during dinner.  
\- That's the impression I got. You seem to work a lot.  
\- That's right, I work for a TV channel and I'm alone to raise my daughter. I blame myself for leaving her so late at the daycare, but I don't really have a choice.  
\- I'm ready daddy! says Setsuna-chan on the way back with Satoe and Ikuta-sensei.  
\- Yosh! We can go, princess! said his father, taking her in his arms.  
\- We too, ne Satoe-chan?  
\- Hum! She exclaims with a broad smile.

We leave the nursery school every four after saying goodbye to Ikuta-sensei and once we arrive at the gate, our paths separate and we make a final sign before Satoe and I set off to my apartment.

\- So for the groceries, Satoshi-kun ...  
\- Gomen! I promise, we'll go tomorrow!

The little girl laughs.

\- You're so funny Satoshi-kun!


	7. Chapter 7

\- ... All we need is carrots and meat. What do you want for meat, Satoe-chan?  
\- Pork ! she replies, hopping next to me.  
\- Go for pork in this case. I make my way to the butcher's shelf.

I took advantage of Saturday to go shopping with Satoe and talking on the way, we agreed that the meal tonight would be curry. Arrived at the shelf that interests us, I select the package of meat that we need and Satoe puts it itself in my shopping cart. We then move on to fruits and vegetables. Luckily, there is still a bunch of carrots but while I was going to catch it, a second hand grabbed it.

\- Oh ! Setsuna-chan! exclaimed the girl.

I raise my head and indeed, it's Sakurai-san who faces me without saying a word. A t-shirt and jeans took the place of his usual suit and tie. Immediately I drop the package and apologize. Satoe who noticed his presence hastened to take refuge behind me.

\- Go ahead, I didn't see you.  
\- No, no, I'll manage otherwise, take them. He said, handing me the vegetables.  
\- I…  
\- I insist.

While a few seconds, anyone of us says a word. Seeing that I don't flinch, he smiles and places the carrots in my basket before returning to face me.

\- We'll manage, don't worry, Ohno-san.

He smiles at me and turns to his daughter who is hanging on his leg.

\- Setsuna, you say hello to Satoe-chan and Ohno-san?  
\- Konnichiwa. She said shyly.

I notice that Satoe is in the same state as her friend. She answers in a low voice and it tears me a little smile. Sakurai strokes her daughter's head and continues the conversation.

\- Really, don't worry about carrots, I'm not very good at cooking anyway. I must have the number of all the restaurants that delivers home from the neighborhood and I'm also a fan of frozen food. Haha! Can I offer you some tea at home?  
\- I don't want to disturb you ...  
\- Come on, I reassure you, I know how to prepare it if you fear for your health.  
\- That's nice, but ...  
\- I insist.  
\- Well, Satoe and Setsuna-chan will surely be happy to play together.

So, I followed Sakurai to his house. He and his daughter live in a building not far from the supermarket. Once in their apartment, the two girls take off their shoes in a few seconds and leave us in the entrance. Sakurai laughs silently before putting down his shopping bags and removing his shoes to store them carefully as well as her daughter's.

\- I will prepare some tea, sit in the living room and most importantly, make yourself at home. He said, moving away too, after resuming his provisions.

I enter the living room alone and settle on a rather expensive leather sofa. Everything is clean and tidy. The television faces me and to my left is a piece of furniture where Setsuna-chan's pictures and his fathers spread out.

\- How long have you been dealing with Satoe-chan?

I jump when Sakurai talks to me from the kitchen.

\- It ... it's been 3 weeks. I said.  
\- It must not be easy to have a child in your life overnight, it was already difficult to adapt to the birth of Setsuna ...  
\- I'm doing well, Satoe-chan is not difficult and it's close to my heart.

He finally leaves the kitchen with a tray loaded with the teapot and two cups. He comes to place them on the coffee table in the living room, fills the cups and sit next to me on the couch with his. He takes a sip and grimaces, probably because of the heat, and rests on the table.

\- You were close to Ninomiya-san? he asks me.  
\- Yes, I lived with Satoe-chan's father, we went out together.  
\- Excuse me if I'm indiscreet, but he left you for the mother of his daughter, right?  
\- It's a long story. I say, nervously rubbing my knee.  
\- I understand. I shouldn't have addressed the subject.  
\- No, no, there is no harm!

He raises his head to the ceiling and sighs in the wave before turning his face in my direction.

\- I didn't know Ninomiya-san, but I learned from Satoe-chan's grandmother that he was seriously ill. All my condolences.  
\- Thank you.  
\- And Satoe-chan's mom, she can't take care of her?  
\- She died during childbirth.  
\- Well, luckily Ninomiya-san can count on you to take care of her. I don't even imagine what Setsuna would become if I disappeared.  
\- She does not have a mother either?  
\- Her mother didn't want to keep her, I insisted and she will never forgive me. Maya is a model, she became pregnant when her career took a big turn, she had to refuse all the great opportunities available to her and we decided by mutual agreement that I would have sole custody of Setsuna and that we would separate after her birth. At that time, she was no longer the woman I had fallen in love with, the celebrity had changed her ...  
\- I'm sorry.  
\- It doesn't matter, it's been 5 years since and she comes to see Setsuna two Saturday a month. That my daughter can see her mother even a little bit, that is enough for me.

Sakurai-san smiles at me and takes a sip of his tea. I don't dare to ask him more. We have each experienced our misfortunes and I am well placed to understand it. Silence then reigns a little in the room until it's again the master of the house who speaks.

\- So, how's the tea? It's drinkable, right?  
\- It's delicious. I say with a smile.  
\- Too bad we can't feed ourselves only with that, it would make my life easier, haha!

We both laugh and we are still talking for a moment about our life, our job. Sakurai is a very nice guy and apparently very cultured. From what he told me, he graduated from Keio and his parents are quite wealthy. I ended up talking to him about Kazu, about our breakup and his reasons for it. I don't know why, but I quickly had absolute confidence in him. Time passes and we are interrupted by Setsuna-chan and Satoe-chan appearing in the room, I notice then glancing briefly at the clock hanging on the wall that an hour has already passed without us we reported on it.

\- Dad, I'm thirsty. Setsuna said to her father.  
\- And the magic word?  
\- Please ! she answers with a broad smile.  
\- I like this better. Said Sakurai ruffling his daughter's hair.

He then shifts his head towards Satoe remained a little behind me.

\- Do you want some orange juice, Satoe-chan?

She nod shyly and he smiled at her before getting up to go to the kitchen, his daughter on the heels. Satoe then settles next to me without saying a word.

\- So ? are you having fun with Setsuna-chan? I ask him.  
\- Hum! She answers me with a smile. We played the doctor of the animals.  
\- That is true ? and you have treated a lot?  
\- Yes ! We treated a dog, a cat, a rabbit and even a giraffe!  
\- You even take care of giraffes? Your pet clinic must be huge !  
\- Hum!

I smile. Sakurai comes back with two glasses of orange juice that he places on the coffee table.

\- And there you are, Satoe-chan.  
\- A ... arigatou.

The girl grabbed her drink while her friend did the same before climbing onto her father's lap, which wrapped around her as she drank her drink. Satoe then stares at them without a word and I guess a certain jealousy in his eyes. She tries to hide it but she misses her father. She, she couldn't enjoy her father as well as Setsuna-chan and it's impossible to catch up because he left us. In spite of our complicity which is reinforced little by little, I don't have any illusion, I will never be able to replace Kazu in her eyes. Some time later, we leave Sakurai's apartment and his daughter to go home. Once home, the child seems to have recover her smile and helps me heartily to store our shopping in the kitchen. The evening then goes on as normally as possible and after putting her to bed, making sure as always to leave the door ajar, I go to the couch with Kazu's diary.

October 18, 2008  
Dear Satoshi,

Satoe is 6 months old and she started to crawl recently. My little angel is growing day by day, it's crazy!

Well it's still the father crazy about his daughter who speaks but the speed at which she progresses is truly incredible. One of these days, I will wake up and there will be no more of my adorable little girl than a teenager with the same dog character as her father.

The other day, I had no choice but to take her to work with me. Everyone, especially my female colleagues, was crazy about her, even my boss closed his eyes and melted in front of her pretty little face. At the lunch break, my colleagues took the opportunity to take the pictures of their own children out of their wallets and argue that theirs were the most adorable in the world.

I don't care, there's only Satoe who counts. She is the woman of my life and nothing will change. Apart from my mother, we only have one and the other, which is why I want to give her as much time and love as possible. Maybe I'm doing too much, it's true, maybe I'm exaggerating but I want only her happiness and nothing else. I want her to know that her father loves her more than anything in the world.

I found my consoles that took the dust in a box, storing my wardrobe. That's right, I haven't touched it since we broke up because I didn't want to do anything after marrying Chiemi and once Satoe was born, my mind was focused on her alone. . However, I still don't feel the need for it at this moment since I live at Satoe's pace when I'm not at work. I take my meals at the same time as her, I spend my free time with her and on weekends, when I'm not working, I take a nap on a futon in her room while she does hers. It's only in the evening, after lying down that I can concentrate on myself and let my mind be besieged by another person: you.

Sometimes I spend an entire hour, diving to the neck in the hot water of the bath to think about you, Satoshi, and all the wonderful moments I spent with you. I also started talking to you about Satoe. I told him how much we loved you and me and how great you are. She is too small to understand, of course, but when I talk about you, she looks at me and she smiles without producing any sound. Sometimes I dream of the three of us laughing as you take Satoe in your arms, who amuses you with her while I look at you, happier than ever to have the two people I love by my side. But when I wake up, the emptiness next to me in my bed reminds me that it will never be possible.

*****

I open the door of my room and the dim light in the living room illuminates Satoe's small sleeping body that squeezes her teddy bear against her. Taking advantage of this light, I unroll my futon next to the bed and then turn off before going to bed. I can't find sleep. I listen to the calm and steady breathing of the little girl, it relaxes me and I close my eyes. I blame myself for not being able to fully compensate for her father's loss. I'm worried about her, the look she has just cast at Sakurai and Setsuna-chan remains impregnated in my brain. I have been very attached to her in only 3 weeks and it's enough to bear that she rejects me because she will realize that I can't compensate the absence of Kazunari.

He died too early, it's unfair, he loved her so much and he will not even have the chance to see her grow up. He will not be there for all the major stages of her life, her entry into primary school, college, high school, her diploma, her marriage, her future children ... I would have liked so much that he is still alive, I might have never seen him again but he would always be with Satoe and she needs him much more than me. But since fate has decided otherwise and it remains only me to assume this role, it's up to me to make her happy and to do everything she can never forget.


	8. Chapter 8

This morning, when I arrive in the teachers' room, Jun is not here yet. I greet the other teachers and head to the shelf where everyone's personal cups are placed, grab mine and serve me a coffee before sitting down at my desk to drink it calmly before class begins.

My friend finally arrives, his hair in battle and his eyes surrounded like never before. He holds a box full of jam in his arms that he stalls as he can to take his dose of caffeine and then come to join me. He puts his stuff on the table and sits down before taking a big sip of his coffee and finally putting on his glasses.

\- Something wrong? I ask him.

A deep, desperate sigh that I know only too well escapes from him.

\- I left Shun.

Shun is, or rather was, obviously Jun's boyfriend. They had lived together for about a year.

\- I am sorry. I say, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder. What has happened?  
\- He was seeing someone else and no luck it was me who intercepted a message from his other boyfriend while he was showering. We had a big fight and I left with my belongings.  
\- I'm sorry, if you need me, I'm here. I said.  
\- Thank you. It's going to be ok, it's not my biggest problem, it's been a few months since it's gone between us. No, my real problem is that for now I have nowhere to live. I slept in my car that night.  
\- And your old apartment?  
\- Sold since I moved in with Shun.  
\- You want to come to my place?

Jun, who carried his cup to his lips, interrupts his movement before turning his head towards me interrogatively.

\- Huh?  
\- I can welcome you as much as you want, you did the same with me at one time.  
\- It's nice but I refuse, you live with your ex's daughter I remind you. She is afraid of me, I have trouble with children and I need calm, you know it ...  
\- Satoe-chan is a very calm child and I'm sure if she knew you a little better she would not be afraid of you anymore. And reciprocally.  
\- No thanks.

I roll my eyes, he's really stubborn.

\- In this case, you have another plan? Do you know where you're going to sleep tonight? I say with a smirk.

He stares at me, frowns for a few seconds and finally gives way.

\- Ok ... but only because I'm desperate.

The bell rings, the time for us to go to class. Jun sighs, tries to arrange his hair as much as he can and then gets up. I do the same and we leave the room like other teachers.

\- See you at noon. He said before our paths separate.

I nod and head to the art room to teach to first year students.

*****

\- Satoshi-kun!

Satoe, like every night, throws herself on me as soon as I put a foot in the small classroom. Ikuta-sensei then gives me the report of the day while the little one is going to change. Sitting at the table, Setsuna-chan smiles shyly before returning to her coloring. It's not yet today that I'll see Sakurai-san again, obviously. Satoe returns a few minutes later and we leave the building.

\- Satoe-chan, I have something to tell you. I say halfway to the exit.

She stop her walk, staring straight into my eyes and I can read the fear deep in hers. Does she think I'm leaving her?

\- Don't you want me to stay at your house? I'm going back to grandma's house and I'll never see you anymore? That's it?

She seems close to tears and her chin trembles. Well done Satoshi, you're going to make a little girl cry. Before triggering a crisis of tears, I hasten to reassure her as I can.

\- No ! No ! Of course you can stay with me, I promised you, right?  
\- Hum ...  
\- It's just that my friend Jun-kun will come and live with us for a while.  
\- The one who's grumpy like daddy?

I burst out laughing, this little girl is really adorable. I ruffle her hair a little and take her by the hand to head to Jun's car waiting for us in front of the school. I open the door and help her climb into the vehicle. She gets attached and I can go and sit next to Jun.

Silence reigns. Jun focuses on the road and Satoe pulls a burial head into the back seat. "Good start ..." I say to myself. And the journey is done in silence.

When we arrive in front of our building, I help Satoe get out of the car and we go up to our apartment. Always that heavy silence that I dream to break. The girl, who is stuck to me, looks up at Jun and does not take her eyes off him. After a few minutes, he frowns, annoyed.

\- What are you looking at ? He asked coldly.  
\- You're not as good looking as my daddy ...  
\- Sorry to hear it! He answers, half embarrassed half-vexed.

I chuckle, I know him too well. The elevator door opens and we head for the front door. Two key tours later, we enter the apartment. Satoe will get rid while I enter the kitchen to start preparing dinner. I put on an apron and open the fridge.

\- Do you want a beer? I ask my friend that I notice sitting at the table.  
\- It's not a refusal.

So I grabbed two cans and put them on the table before returning to get my ingredients and put me to the task. I hear my guest open his beer and take a sip and sigh with ease.

\- Nothing like a good beer after work. He said. Thank you again for welcoming me to your home, Satoshi-kun.  
\- There's nothing, I've already told you, you welcomed me to your home also at one time.  
\- Hmm ... I'll tell you, I really thought that with Shun it would work, but a few months ago I realized that I was wrong.  
\- Are you going to get over it? I am well placed to know that a break up is sometimes painful.  
\- Daijoubu, he and I was not really love, it was mostly ... very physical. Of course it could not stick after a while. You, with your Kazunari, from all that you told me, it was more than that.

I smiled in the wave, of course it was more than that. Kazu was my soulmate and I hope he felt the same way.

\- Satoshi?  
\- Huh? What?  
\- What do we feel when we are in love? I mean really in love?  
\- You can't stop thinking about the one you love, even if at first you refuse to admit that you love this person, every second spent with her or him fills you with happiness and despite the difficulties, your heart will beat always so strong for this person whatever happens. And on the physical level it's just ... amazing ... indescribable ... In fact, everything in true love is indescribable so that feeling is strong when it hits you.  
\- So in this case, that's what I thought, I wasn't in love with Shun and I guess him either.  
\- You will find your soulmate, I'm sure.

He smiled at me and took a sip of his beer while I went back to my kitchen. Satoe shyly notices his presence in the room, probably because of Jun's.

\- Satoshi-kun? I can help you ?  
\- Of course. I say, stooping to his height. We eat hamburgers tonight, do you want to wash the tomatoes?  
\- Hum!

I set up a small stool in front of the sink where I placed the scarlet fruits and the little one immediately goes to work singing. Jun does not say a word and continues to sip his beer at the table, obviously embarrassed by the presence of Satoe in the kitchen. I then look up at the sky and return to my minced meat.

*****

Some time later, we sit at the table in front of our plates. Jun and Satoe face each other and look at each other strangely. My friend begins to eat, just like we do, bites once in his hamburger and then rest on his plate with a look of disgust before lifting the top of his bread and removing the onions that were below for finally eat again.

Satoe stares at him again with his inquisitive eyes and I know at that moment that she will make a remark to him which makes me laugh internally.

\- Why don't you eat the onions?  
\- Because I don't like that.  
\- But eating vegetables is important!  
\- Let me guess, it's your dad who said it?  
\- Yeah and he's always right! Then it's not nice for Satoshi-kun who made food and also for people who grow onions! You're mean!  
\- Oi! Stop, you two!

Both of them then turn immediately pointing the other with their finger and justifying themselves with one: "It's him / her who started!"

\- It doesn't matter who started. You, eat your onions, I tell Jun, and you, Satoe-chan, stop bothering him.

Both grumble then something in their teeth before refocusing on their dinner without uttering a word for the rest of the meal.

*****

It is 22 hours. Satoe sleeps and Jun comes out of the bathroom after bathing, wiping her wet hair with a towel around her neck. I already took mine and was reading Kazu's diary when my friend surfaced. He sits next to me and stares at the used notebook in my hands.

\- What's this? He asks.  
\- Kazunari's diary, he was in a box with things his mother gave me.  
\- It's not a bit perverse to read the diary of a dead person?  
\- Maybe, but in any case it helps me a lot. I read it a little each night. He started it when Satoe came into the world, the same day. She helped him up the hill after our breakup and his forced marriage.  
\- Forced marriage ?  
\- Hum. I say, putting the diary in my bag. The parents of Satoe's mother forced them to get married when their daughter became pregnant. And after the birth of the little one, he was too afraid that I would reject him and his daughter in my turn to try to see me again.  
\- I'm sorry. All this time, I thought he had thrown you like an old sock without any good reason.  
\- Me too, until last month, when I heard about his death by his mother.

We remain silent for a few moments. Jun scrutinizes the ceiling as I watch Satoe sleep through the half-open door of the bedroom, still curled up under the duvet with her teddy bear. When Jun breaks the silence again, I jump out of my thoughts.

\- Ne Satoshi? Now that it's over ... well ... really over with your ex, you should not think about seeing other people?

That's the question that kills, I still love Kazu and now I have Satoe, I don't know if I would like to find someone else. The child will remind me him all the time, it would be selfish to engage in a relationship without true love shared because I can't totally forget her father.

\- I don't know, Jun, it's complicated with the girl. And I don't know if I could fall in love again.  
\- Falling in love, it happens without being expected you never know when it can happen.  
\- I know. That's why we'll see if it happens to me again. I'm going to bed, it's late and we have to get up early.

I get up off the couch, ending this discussion. Jun went and passing a library in the living room, he stopped me suddenly.

\- Satoshi?  
\- Hum?

I turn around and see that my friend has taken the frame with the photo of Kazu that I kept on the furniture. He shows it to me.

\- It's him ?  
\- Hum.  
\- He was not bad, I understand you, his daughter is his copy, as you told me.  
\- And you don't even have an idea ... I whisper, gently pushing the door of the room.

I sit on my futon, as every night and Jun goes a little further in the room. Damn, my room is changing into a camping ... Jun looks at Satoe sleep for a moment and finally smiles.

\- It's a real ringworm but she's really cute.  
\- It's not a ringworm! I say as quietly as possible by lying down under the duvet.

I hear my friend sneer while he does the same and I turn off the light wishing him good night. He answers me and soon silence reigns. My eyes close and I fall asleep without difficulty.

*****

\- Satoyan ... it's still long?  
\- Patience. I say as I walk in front.  
\- I hope it's worth it because the picnic basket is super heavy. Why is it me who wears it?  
\- You want a romantic picnic under the stars yes or no?

I hear my companion grunt behind me and laugh silently, lest he hear me. A few minutes later, we finally reach our destination, a small open space at the top of a hill that offers a magnificent view of the night sky.

\- Woooooow... loose my lover.

Seeing that he remains frozen with his mouth open to fix the sky, I approach him and kiss him on the cheek. This makes him react immediately and he responds by imprisoning me in a more passionate kiss.

\- I guess you like it ... I say with a small smile.  
\- That's wonderful ! I had never had such a beautiful view of the stars until today.

Immediately, he places the basket and draws his camera to take a series of pictures of the sky. I laugh at his enthusiasm and grab the picnic after laying a blanket on the grass.

When Kazu comes back to me, he grabs a sandwich without me having time to prepare everything in a romantic way as it was planned.

\- Oi! You could wait until I'm done!

He looks at me incredulously, his sandwich in his mouth, before bending down again and stealing another that he stuffs into mine.

\- Sorry, I'm hungry. It's your fault, you're starving till nightfall. He said with his mouth full to justify himself.

I roll my eyes and grab a paper towel to wipe off the mayonnaise at the corner of his mouth.

\- Mou ... Satoyan, I would have preferred that you kiss me.  
\- You don't deserve it. I said, lying on the blanket.

He pouted and went to lie next to me. For long minutes, we look at the sky in silence. I feel Kazu move by my side and soon, a click sounds in my ears. I sighed smiling as he takes a look at this new snapshot of me.

\- Still photogenic. He said. And I haven't take you naked yet.  
\- What ?!

My lover bursts out laughing and kisses me tenderly.

\- I'm kidding ... But I'm sure you would be well paid, the pretty little behind like yours is rare ...  
\- You're not credible ... I sigh.  
\- Oi! Oi! Oi! Look, a shooting star! He exclaims, straightening up and clasping his hands.

I put myself back in a sitting position and observe him. He's so much more beautiful in the moonlight. I hear him whispering his wish.

\- Make Satoyan and I never stop loving each other.

I smile and surround him with my arms to hold him tight against me.

\- I love you, Kazu-chan!  
\- Me too, Satoyan, but you're choking me!

*****

When I wake up, I'm alone in the room. My eyes are then on the alarm clock and I see that it is already 7:30. Immediately, I take sheets and go to the kitchen where Jun takes her breakfast with Satoe.

\- Ohayo Satoshi-kun!  
\- Ohayo Satoe-chan.

She is already dressed, as is Jun. I am the only one who isn't ready. My friend gets up and serves me to eat.

\- I didn't want to wake you up as long as we were not in the flush, you know that you're adorable when you sleep? He said sarcastically.  
\- That's it, make fun.  
\- Have you dreamed of dad? Ask the girl.  
\- How do you know that?  
\- Maybe thanks to all the "Kazu" that you moaned in your sleep. Said Jun.

If I could see myself in a mirror, I'm sure I'd be blushing right now.

\- And what did you do? Continue Satoe.

Jun then misses choking on his coffee. I glare at him and turn to look at the girl.

\- It was a day when your dad and I had gone to see the stars both.  
\- That must have been nice! She smiled. I'm going to brush my teeth.

With that, she leaves the table and goes to the bathroom. My neighbor then stares at me with a strange eye.

\- What?  
\- admit it was an erotic dream. You did more than watch the stars ...  
\- It does not concern you !!

*****

Later in the day, I enter the faculty room after two hours of classes and drop heavily on my chair. As I get ready to pull out my drawing book, my phone vibrates in my pocket. This is Satoe's school, that means something must have happened to her.

\- Ohno desu. I say apprehensively.  
\- Ohno-san, I'm calling because Satoe-chan had a little accident in the school yard.  
\- An accident ?  
\- Ikuta-sensei is with her at the hospital and we have also notified her grandmother.  
\- Ok ... I ... I'm going right now. Thank you for letting me know.

I hang up, put all my stuff in a shaking hand and warn my colleagues before leaving the room to run as fast as I can to the exit. And so be as soon as possible with Satoe.


	9. Chapter 9

When I arrive in the waiting room that I was shown to the hospital, out of breath, Kazunari's mother is already there. I was so worried that I ran so far, so my first action was to try to calm down and catch my breath.

\- I did as fast as I could. I said, going to sit near Ninomiya-san. What has happened ?  
\- Satoe fell from the toboggan at school. Ikuta-sensei couldn't get there in time to catch her up but he saw what happened and went to explain what he saw to the doctor  
\- So ka ... And she's fine?  
\- Yes, it's nothing serious, she hit her head and she broke her arm but really nothing serious.  
\- I am relieved.  
\- Is everything still going well?  
\- Perfectly well. But you, she doesn't miss you? It's true that we don't come to your home a lot while you're her closest relative.  
\- My son told me the same thing when he decided to give you Satoe-chan. Yes, I miss her, she's my granddaughter, but we discussed it with my son and we thought it was better for you to be in charge. I'm no longer young and my son really wanted you to meet each other.  
\- I understand. But we'll see you more often, it's promised.

She smiles at me then her face suddenly becomes more melancholy and a sigh escapes from her lips.

\- I had not been to this hospital since his death. His room was a few floors higher and overlooked the clinic park, the view was beautiful at dusk.  
\- I wanted so much to be close to him during his last moments.  
\- I know. I'm sorry I didn't warn you at that time. Kazunari made me promise not to do it because he didn't want you to be like this. He made the decision to give you Satoe only a few days before his condition deteriorated dramatically.

*****

Kazu's mother had gone to get a coffee and when she came back, she saw her son and daughter curled up together in the patient's bed, who seemed visibly on the verge of having a discussion important with Satoe. Not wanting to disturb them, she stayed in the hall and listened to what Kazunari had to say to the girl.

\- You know, Sato-chan, I'll be going to heaven soon.  
\- Why?  
\- My illness is too serious to be cured, you know. Sometimes doctors can't heal a sickness. You'll behave when I'm gone?  
\- Hum ...

He smiled and raised his hand to gently ruffle the little girl's head. This one, surprisingly, didn't cry. But we could clearly read the fear and deep sadness in her dark eyes.

\- Never forget that I love you very much and that I will always look at you from heaven.  
\- I love you too, daddy but I don't want you to go away!

Ninomiya-san could see that his son held back his tears with all his strength as he tried to hide his grief from Satoe.

\- I'm sorry to leave you darling. But obaa-chan will be there, she will take care of you and if one day you meet Satoshi-kun, you can always trust him and I'm sure he'll protect you when I'm in heaven.  
\- I wanted to have you both.  
\- I know Sato-chan. He said stroking his daughter's head. You give me a big hug?

The girl nodded and wrapped her arms around her father's neck before squeezing him with all his strength as he imitated her, no doubt feeling that this might be the last time he'd see his daughter.

That's when Ninomiya-san chose to enter the room.

\- Satoe-chan, I didn't know what you wanted to drink. Can you go and pick something for you to the distributor all by yourself like a big one?  
\- Hum.

The girl got up after clasping her father one last time, grabbed the money that her grandmother handed her and left the room. Once alone, Kazunari burst into tears and his mother took him in her arms as well, as when rocking him when he was a child.

\- She is too small ... he sobbed. I don't want to leave her, she needs me ...  
\- I know, Kazu, I know. I wish I could take your place. I could see you growing up and you will not have that chance with Satoe.

He then separated from his mother, tried to dry his tears and grabbed something in the drawer of his bedside table: an envelope, the same envelope that Ninomiya-san gave me when she told me about the death of the man I loved.

\- What is it? Asked him his mother.  
\- When I'm dead, I want you to contact Satoshi and give him this.  
\- Kazu, it's been 6 years, he has surely changed phone number and address ...  
\- I beg you, try ... I would like him to adopt Satoe or at least he agrees to meet her. He may not agree, but if there is a chance ...  
\- Don't you want to contact him now? To see him one last time?  
\- No, I don't want we meet each other like this. But I owe him the truth, I was wrong to hide it from him so long. That's why I wrote this letter last night.

His mother sighed and kissed him. Then she put the envelope in her bag and sat next to her son's bed, grabbing his hand, which she squeezed hard into hers.

\- Promise me that you will not contact him behind my back, I don't want him to see me in this state.  
\- I understand, it's promised.  
\- Are you upset that I want Satoe to live with Satoshi? You're her closest relative after all, I'll understand ...  
\- Kazu, I will respect your choice whatever it is, if you want them to be together, I will not oppose it and then, it will not stop me from seeing the little one.

They both smiled at each other and Satoe came back with a can of juice in the room. The little girl gave her grandmother the change, went back to snuggle up against her father without a word and sipped her juice.

At the end of the visiting hours, when the day began to decline and Ninomiya-san got up from his chair to get ready to go home, Kazunari and his daughter had fallen asleep tightly together. When my beloved's mother wanted to take the little one out of her father's arms, she saw fine tears running through Satoe's eyelids in her sleep and had, immediately separating them, a twinge in her heart and the impression to commit the most atrocious crimes against his son and granddaughter.

*****

Ninomiya-san barely finishes her story as the door of the care room opens onto Satoe, Ikuta and the doctor. We get up immediately and the girl almost throws herself on her grandmother.

\- Obaa-chan!  
\- Satoe-chan! You made us one of those fears!  
\- Gomen.

Kazu's mother grabbed the girl and put her in her arms. Indeed, her right arm is plastered and a bandage adorns the side of her forehead.

\- Pleased to meet you, Ninomiya-san, I'm Dr. Kato. He said shaking the woman's hand first.

The man, who must not be older than me, turns in my direction and smiles at me, holding out his hand.

\- You are ?  
\- Ohno Satoshi ... I'm ...

Good question. What am I for her? I'm not really her legal guardian, nor her father, nor her uncle, how should I introduce myself?

\- Satoshi-kun is taking care of Satoe recently. Ninomiya-san spoke.  
\- Oh I see. Don't worry, he said for both of us this time, it's only a small break, in 6 weeks we can remove the plaster and the arm of Satoe-chan will be like new. As for the forehead injury, nothing alarming either, you can remove the bandage tonight.  
\- Arigato, sensei. Let's say, leaning respectfully.

He then disappears and Ikuta bows deeply before us.

\- Forgive me this lack of vigilance, it's my fault what happened to Satoe-chan.  
\- Don't worry, children play and hurt themselves, it's in the order of things, Ikuta-sensei. Ninomiya-san answers with a benevolent smile.  
\- Now that Satoe-chan is in good hands, I'm going back to school. See you soon, and good recovery to Satoe-chan.

And he goes off in his turn. Leaving us alone.

\- You should go back to work, Satoshi-kun, I can take care of Satoe.  
\- I can call to tell them that I have an impediment.  
\- No, it's better that you go back. Don't worry, I'll give it back to you at the end of the day.  
\- Gomen ne, Satoshi-kun, you miss your job because of me. Said Satoe's head resting against Ninomiya-san's shoulder.  
\- It's nothing Satoe-chan, you're more important than my job, you know? I want to make sure that you are ok.

The girl smiles at me and beckons me closer. Once I'm executed, she kisses me on the cheek. Ninomiya-san laughs softly at the scene that has just been played in front of her.

\- Do you want me to bring you back? I came by car.  
\- I don't say no.

*****

\- Where were you? Jun asks me when I sit in front of him with my tray in the cafeteria.  
\- At the hospital.  
\- What?  
\- Not for me, I got a phone call from kindergarten, Satoe fell from a module in the yard and she broke her arm.  
\- Oh I see. And how is she? Did you still bring her back to school?  
\- Yes, yes, she is fine, her grandmother was there, she take care of her this afternoon. We will pick her up after class.

Jun finishes his plate while I only start mine.

\- You should swarm, it'll ring in 10 minutes.  
\- Thank you captain obvious. I try to speed up the rate at which I eat.

I see my friend swallowing his last bite and start serving on my tray.

\- Hey! That's mine ! You have to reserve yourself if you're hungry.  
\- Relax, I was only helping you as a good friend I am. Besides, you don't need this muffin.  
\- Keep your hands close to yourself and let me eat! I risk as his hand approaches dangerously my dessert.  
\- As you want but don't come to complain when you'll be obese. He laughs as he raises his glasses.

I roll my eyes.

\- Have you ever looked at me? I'm sure that I can fax myself.  
\- With everything you can eat on a single meal, it's a miracle. Well, I'll let you finish, I have to go and prepare some material in a lab for the first class of the afternoon. We see each other at the end of the day.  
\- um, see you later.

*****

\- So ? We tried to fly? Jun asks the little girl on the way home.

I can then see Satoe pulling his tongue in the rearview mirror.

\- I didn't want to fly, I fell that's all! I didn't even cry!  
\- It's always better to try to fly than to run in the middle of the road, huh Jun?

My friend turns bright red and frowns without saying a word.

\- It's not good to run on the road.  
\- Well, Jun-kun, when he was your age, he ran across the road and got hit by a car.  
\- Oooh poor Jun-kun ... says Satoe, all sad.  
\- Yes, well, I'm still alive.

I roll my eyes, "still grumpy". I turn to the little girl.

\- That was good, at Obaa-chan's home?  
\- Hai! We watched a lot of cartoons and she made heart-shaped sandwiches at noon.  
\- It sounds like a great program all that.  
\- Hum!

All along the way, Satoe tells us about her day at her grandmother's house. Once back, we eat all three quietly and around 20h, I put Satoe in bed.

\- Ne, Satoshi-kun ...  
\- Hum?  
\- You draw very well, you'll draw on my plaster?

I smiled at her as I covered her with the duvet.

\- Of course.  
\- Yatta!

As I was going to get up and leave the room, my gaze fell on his dressing on the forehead.

\- I was going to forget, the doctor said you could take off your bandage tonight.

She lets me do without flinching and the operation is quickly shipped. However, her wide smile suddenly disappeared and she clings almost desperately to my t-shirt.

\- Doushita? I ask her, taking her little hand in mine.  
\- Dad he had a headache. After he went to the hospital and he died. I too had a headache and went to the hospital, Am I going to die?  
\- No, Satoe-chan. Your daddy ... it was different, he had pain in his head because of an illness and you, you just scratched your forehead.  
\- Hum.  
\- Don't think about it anymore, I said with a smile. And sweet dreams.

I get up, ready to leave the room and head for the door.

\- Good night, Satoshi-kun.  
\- Good night. I say before closing the door.

Jun is sitting on the couch with a magazine. When he sees me emerge from the room, he makes a gesture of the chin towards my phone lying on the table.

\- Your phone vibrated twice, it was an unknown number.  
\- Arigato.

I pick up my phone and call the number while going to the kitchen. A ring ... two rings ... three rings and the voice that answers is, to my astonishment, that of Sakurai-san.

\- Moshi moshi?  
\- Sakurai-san?  
\- Ohno-san! I tried to join you not long ago. Sorry, I asked your number to Ikuta-sensei, Setsuna was really worried about Satoe-chan so ...  
\- It doesn't matter, I understand.  
\- So? How is she ? Is it serious ?  
\- She's fine, just a broken arm but nothing serious according to the doctor.  
\- Aah, yokatta! Ano ... I was also calling because next week-end, my daughter is celebrating her birthday and I thought I would kill two birds with one stone by inviting Satoe-chan.  
\- I guess she will agree.  
\- Good, it will please Setsuna and I guess Satoe too.  
\- I have no doubt about it.  
\- In that case, see you soon and sorry for the inconvenience.  
\- You didn't bother me, see you soon.

He hangs up and I do the same before returning to the living room. My friend looks up at me.

\- What's that silly smile on your face?  
\- Huh?

My fingers will immediately touch my lips and I can feel myself blush.

\- And by the way, who is this Sakurai-san?  
\- It's just the father of a friend of Satoe. I sigh, letting myself fall on the couch. We get along pretty well.

He looks at me dubiously before putting his magazine and leaving the room by decreeing to take a shower.

"But what does he imagine?" I shrug my shoulders and grabbed the newspaper from Kazu's bag, which was hanging against the coffee table.

November 26, 2008  
Dear Satoshi,

Today is your birthday, the second that I spend without you. But this time, I'm not as depressed as last year. We were separated for 3 months at that time and the only thing I did was drown my despair in the alcohol a good part of the night.

But now that I have Satoe, I decided to make this day a party for both of us and to remember your memory as something joyful. Because, first of all, you made me happy.

Satoe's new obsession is pointing with fingers. She knows what she wants, like her father, and she learned to use it to be given the object of her desires but this morning, believe me or not, it's a picture of you and me that she pointed.

I didn't know what to think about it and she insisted frowning. So I held the frame in front of her and she played with her little hands on the glass watching, us.

I wonder if deep down she knows it was the man her daddy loved. Maybe not, she's just a baby after all. But I like to think that she loves you as much as I do only from what I tell her.

November 30, 2008

Dear Satoshi,

I write to you from the hospital where I live one of the worst moments of anxiety in my life.

Satoe started crying in the middle of the night, something that had not happened in months. She catched a cold a few days ago but not serious, according to the pediatrician. I went to see her in her room and found her cheeks redder than a tomato.

I took her in my arms, she was obviously burning and shaking with trembling. I tried to lower the fever but it didn't go down and my baby kept crying and crying again, breaking my heart that can't bear to see her suffer, so I took her to the emergencies.

She has caught pneumonia. As I write, she sleeps in a hospital bed next to me and is under intravenous medication. She's so small, I can't believe that such a thing falls on her.

The doctor says that it's very well treated and that it needs a lot of rest but I can't sleep knowing my little girl in this state. For once, her little fingers don't react to the touch of mine in the crook of her palm, I know it goes wrong. Her little body is fighting against this infection but she's a warrior, I'm sure.

December 1, 2008

Dear Satoshi,

My night was rough but I ended up falling asleep last night watching Satoe and to my delight, it's her little fingers on my nose that woke me up. She smiled at me, as if nothing had happened but a coughing fit reminded me of her condition. At least, her fever is gone and she's not crying anymore.  
I was so relieved, I could not resist and I hugged her. She can even eat a little. The pediatrician said it was a good sign even though my little angel remains weak and has to be hospitalized for several days.

\- Your ex's diary?

I jump when I see Jun come back from the bathroom.

\- Oi! You scared me !  
\- Gomen. He said sitting next to me, the smell of his shampoo invading my nostrils.  
\- And what does Kazunari talk about?  
\- I thought you found it perverted to read the diary of a dead person.  
\- Well ... who can blame you, it might feel good to know what he felt.  
\- Hum. He talks mostly about Satoe. When she was a baby, she contracted pneumonia and had to be hospitalized, Kazu had the fear of his life and he watched her all night.  
\- It must have been a good father.  
\- He was a good father. Satoe had only him and her grandmother.  
\- And the mother's family?  
\- They don't consider her from their family because they reject the death of their daughter on Kazunari and the little one.  
\- Pffff ... hello the responsibility ...  
\- His mother told me one of the last times he could see Satoe before dying. He made a difficult choice by accepting his fate. When I think that I have doubted him for years while he has never stopped loving me.  
\- You couldn't know, you must not blame you.  
\- I know. He left me his most precious legacy. I say, the smile widening on my face. I think I'll need a little more time, but now that I'm fixated on what happened to him, I think I'll be able to think about finding someone else.

My friend cheers quietly.

\- Bravo! Now, let's talk about this Sakurai-san again. Is he a nice guy? Is he single ? What's his job?

Immediately, I get up from the couch and head for the bedroom to go to bed.

\- Go, answer, please! He whispers, following me as I sneer silently.


	10. Chapter 10

When we arrived at Sakurai-san's home for his daughter's birthday party, I felt Satoe squeeze my hand a little harder. My eyes then landed on her. She was staring at me, smiling.

\- What's wrong?  
\- Hm hm. She says, shaking her head. I'm happy, it's my first birthday party. Dad couldn't take me before and obaa-chan either.

I smile back, she makes me a little pain. But I don't have time to really think that Sakurai-san opens the door for us.

\- Konnichiwa! Nice to see you Satoe-chan! How is your arm?  
\- I'm fine, I have a plaster with the drawings of Satoshi-kun and Jun-kun on it.  
\- Good, good. Come, the little party is happening in the living room.

He escorts us to this point and to my surprise, there are only 3 children in the room: Setsuna-chan, a kid I don't know and Masa ... something, I think. I sometimes see him going to look for the little girl at school. They are all sitting around an imaginary tea at the coffee table.

\- Satoe-chan! Suddenly exclaims Setsuna-chan who immediately drops her plastic teapot to join her friend. Are you coming to play with us? We play tea.  
\- Setsuna ... I didn't hear you say hello to Ohno-san.

The child, following the reprimand of her father, shyly looks up at me and says hello to me in a small voice to which I respond with a smile. The two girls then join their friends and Sakurai-san guide me in the kitchen communicating with the living room.

\- I suggest we leave them have a little fun between them.

A young woman is sitting at the table and sipping tea. At my sight she gives me a small sign of the chin.

\- Ohno-san, this is Masaki-kun's mother. Aiba Rinko-san.  
\- Pleased to meet you.  
\- Do you want something to drink, Ohno-san?  
\- I'll take a tea, thank you.  
\- It's as if it were done, sit down, make yourself at home.

At these words, I sit in front of Aiba-san.

\- They all get along well. Said this one.  
\- That's what I understand.  
\- So you're Satoe-chan's father?  
\- No ! No ! I ... I am only her ... almost guardian, her parents died and I lived with her father before she was born.  
\- Ooh ... Poor girl. She is always so smiling.  
\- Yes, we are good to each other, I suppose. It's been a little over a month since her father left us.

Sakurai comes back with my tea and also sits at the table.

\- She seems to be happy with you, at least. Said Aiba-san warmly.  
\- How can you say that?  
\- Maternal intuition.

I give her back her smile and take a few sips of tea.

\- More children will arrive? I ask.

Sakurai-san sighs as his fingers tighten on his cup.

\- No.  
\- Ah, hum. I say, sorry and a little ashamed for asking the question.  
\- Let's say that mothers who think they are so perfect don't like their offspring to be side by side with parents who work late or are single. Adds Aiba-san.  
\- I thought that other parents should be like that. I thought mothers were sniffing at me the first time I brought Satoe to school.  
\- They are all real vipers, my husband and I have a restaurant and on the pretext that I do not plant the family business because I have children, they allow themselves to spit their venom on my back.  
\- That's Masaki-kun's brother over there?  
\- No ! She laughs. It's Tomohisa-kun, he lives next to us, I suggested to his mother, who had an impediment, to bring him.  
\- So ka ... But he has brothers and sisters? You just said that you had children.

Another burst of laughter from both parents in front of me this time. Aiba-san then recoils his chair from under the table, letting me see her belly with a beautiful rounded shape.

\- It's for two months, Masaki is going to have a little brother.  
\- O ... omedetou! Do I make, a little red on the cheeks.  
\- As Rinko-san and I are a little rejected by the rest of the parents, we have become good friends. I hope we all get along well.

A little joy seizes me and I think I can say that I have in front of me two new precious friends. It had not happened to me since meeting Jun. After my separation from Kazu, I broke contact with our old friends.

We are still discussing a moment during which we get to know each other better by talking about our respective lives, then the party is in full swing until the evening. Around 6 pm Rinko-san (because yes, I ended up dropping the last name with her) leaves the apartment with the two boys. Setsuna and Satoe fell asleep on the living room rug in the middle of their drawings. So it was after carrying them with Sakurai-san on the sofa that I volunteered to help him tidy up. An hour later, we wash the dishes that were used at tea time. He wash, I wipe. He then glances at the living room and smiles as the little ones who are still sleeping.

\- They are exhausted.  
\- This is the first time that Satoe falls asleep so early and so quickly.  
\- They were excited all week, it's understandable. Tell me, this ... Jun-kun that Satoe talked about is the friend you're hosting, right?  
\- That's it.  
\- Is not she so jealous that you've found someone other than her father?

At these words, I fail to let go of the plate he has just given me. Why does he think I'm going out with Jun?

\- Jun-kun is only a friend. He just ended a relationship and he had nowhere to go next.  
\- Oh really ? I'm sorry, I misinterpreted!

He is sincere but I detect something in the tone of his voice. Some ... relief?

\- Are you planning to find someone?  
\- I don't know, maybe. If it happens ... I answer.

Then as my tongue definitely don't want to stay in my pocket today, I return the question to him. He's laughing.

\- With my work and Setsuna and more, I have not been involved in a relationship since her birth. And I don't know if I really want to.

I agree and we continue our dishes. Someone then rings at the door. Sakurai goes off and I stay in the kitchen waiting. Only the salaryman's voice and another of feminine origin reach me through the wall that separates the kitchen from the lobby.

\- What are you doing here ?  
\- I just finished the job, I brought a gift to the girl.  
\- I will give it to her, she sleeps and it's not your Saturday.  
\- It's my daughter's birthday, I have the right to see her a few minutes, right?  
\- Ask that to the judge.  
\- Stop with that. We can make an exception.  
\- Do we feel maternal now?  
\- Don't start !  
\- It was you who decided that you didn't want her the very day you told me you were pregnant!  
\- I had a career that was soaring and my pregnancy ruined everything!  
\- Excuse me, ma'am, I'm laying on the cover of all the magazines and I sleep in a different city every night!  
\- How can you be so deeply stupid! I did well to never marry you!  
\- And I therefore ! Go home, I have a guest waiting.  
\- A date ? I thought Setsuna would always be your priority.  
\- And it has not changed, stop your delusions and go now.  
\- Always so kind to what I see.

Seconds later, the front door closes. Having heard the whole conversation annoys me a lot, I have the impression of having spied on them. The consciousness not very quiet, I jump when the master reappears, visibly upset, put a packed package on the living room table and comes back to me to continue the dishes.

\- Excuse me, it was Maya, my ex, she had a gift for Setsuna but as she slept I told her that I will give it to her.

He takes his sponge and plunges his hands into the soapy water to pick a plate he recites absently. He does not know that I heard everything.

We finish our task about ten minutes later. Satoe on the back, I leave the apartment of Sakurai not without thanking him for his hospitality. Once outside, I head for home, on foot, it's not far. But a vaguely familiar voice suddenly stops me.

\- Hey! You there !

I turn around and face a very beautiful young woman leaning against a car parked in the street, arms crossed on the chest and the look almost thundering.

\- Was you the guest of Sho?  
\- Uh ... yes ... but.

She approaches me with a threatening step, narrowing her eyes.

\- You have a child too, no wonder why you went out together.  
\- What? No ! We are not together! I accompanied Satoe-chan on her friend's birthday, that's all.

She sighs, rolling her eyes.

\- Excuse me. I'm a little paranoid, Shimada Maya, Setsuna's mother.  
\- Ohno Satoshi.  
\- It's your daughter ?  
\- No, it's the daughter ... of a deceased friend.  
\- Can I escort you somewhere? You are not going to wear the girl on your back all the way.  
\- I don't want to impose myself.

She does not listen to me and opens her rear door.

\- Go in.  
\- You are sure ?  
\- Do you think I have a killer psychopathic head?

I don't answer and silently accept the proposal by going into the back seat with Satoe. I give my address to Maya and she starts. The journey begins in silence then it is she who speaks again.

\- Are you friends with Sho?  
\- I think we can say it. I have only known him for a few weeks.  
\- Did he ever tells you about me?  
\- On the main lines.  
\- hum.

New silence weighing for a few minutes before the mannequin sighs at a red light.

\- Say, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Why is she asking me that? I don't have much parental experience and I only know what Sakurai told me.

\- I don't even know you.  
\- Sho always tells the classic story. The heartless woman who denied her baby and sent her boyfriend to the roses for her career.  
\- ...

Maya's new sigh.

\- In fact, Sho and I were happy together before. We had just started our careers, we settled together quite quickly. But I got pregnant at a bad time, it's true, I was going to sign a big contract and I had to cancel everything but since Sho was with me and I loved him I was sure to be able to raise the baby with him. But the day I was going to announce him, he told me he did not love me anymore, that he had met a man and that he wanted us to separate. So my emotions took over. All alone, with my job, I could not have a child. I panicked. I told him that I wanted to abort because of my contract, that I hated him, that it was all his fault, that I didn't want the baby and he deterred me from abandoning it. He stayed with me throughout my pregnancy and then I preferred to leave Setsuna to him, she is happier with him and even him has more time to give her than me.

I don't know what to think of the version of Maya. But if she says true, I pity her a little. In the end, it is only a young woman with a broken heart who has let her emotions overwhelm her and who seems to regret bitterly today.

\- I'm only entitled to a Saturday in two and this is the only time I have a little time to spend with Setsuna. I never confessed the truth to her father.  
\- You should.  
\- What?  
\- It's ridiculous, if you talk to him about your uneasiness at the time, I'm sure he'll understand. Sakurai-san is smart and kind.

The young woman lets out a small laugh.

\- That's funny, that's all I liked about him. I thank you for your opinion but I will stick to the current situation. I don't want to be thrown away again. I don't even know why I'm telling you all that.

A few meters further, it parks and I recognize the facade of my building. I thank her politely and leave the vehicle, Satoe still asleep in my arms.

*****

\- Pfiouuuu ... I do, dropping on a chair in the kitchen after installing the girl in my bed.  
\- Have you ever put her to bed? And dinner?  
\- Jun, she is exhausted and she stuffed herself with cake, she will survive until tomorrow morning.  
\- As you want, it's not me her guardian.

I roll my eyes while a delicious smell emanates from the kitchen.

\- What are you doing ?  
\- Carbonara pasta.  
\- Ume naaa ...  
\- I see you like it, if you told me how it was at Sakurai-san?  
\- What do you think happened exactly? It was a birthday party with 5 year old kids, plus we were three parents. There was the mother of Satoe's friend, Aiba-san.  
\- Shit ...  
\- Stop swearing ...  
\- You missed a chance to try a rapprochement with Sakurai-san! Sing my friend.  
\- I'm not in love with him and vice versa!  
\- Ah, yes, if he has a girl it's probably because he likes women.

Maya's words instantly come back to me: "... he had met a man and he wanted us to separate ..." My mouth is an "o" exclamation, I didn't even not printed that he was attracted to men.

\- Actually ... maybe he likes men ...  
\- He told you ?  
\- His ex told me, the mother of his daughter.  
\- Do not tell me he dropped her for a guy?  
\- Apparently so.  
\- Ouch. It must have hurt.  
\- It's not for me to say that.

Jun, who had just taken out two plates to serve the meal, looks up in my direction and is visibly aware of his blunder because he immediately confuses himself in apology with an embarrassed smile.

\- But your case is different, your ex didn't really have a choice. Sakurai, it was love.  
\- Um, but I think it didn't work, he devoted himself almost entirely to his daughter and his job.

My friend places a plate in front of me and another in front before sitting at the table. He then takes a big bite of spaghetti and chews it slowly.

\- But since you too have a child, you probably have a chance with him.  
\- He does not want to get back with anyone for the moment and I'm not in love with him.  
\- He tells you a lot, though.  
\- We are friends, that's all.  
\- Ok, he sighs. How did you meet the mother of her daughter?  
\- She went in the early evening, I heard them arguing elsewhere, and she was waiting for me downstairs visibly.  
\- She is not clear this chick.  
\- She thought I was going out with Sho-san.  
\- Do you call him Sho-san now?  
\- There was a lot of talk a while ago and we are a little more familiar with each other.

Jun rolls his eyes and goes back to his plate of pasta without adding a word. I know what he's thinking but I'm not interested in Sho ... Wait, I just called him Sho? Without honorary? No, no, no, no, it has nothing to do with, it's my new friend, that's all. Then he has his daughter and I have Satoe, he is very busy and I only recover from Kazu, we aren't going to ... But why mentally argue so?

\- It's okay ?  
\- Huh? I startled when Jun speaks to me. Ah yes. I was thinking about what I would do for students starting Monday.  
\- I see. You seemed in great reflection.  
\- Don't worry. And I'm not in love with Sho-san! I add.

*****

\- Obaa-chan! Satoe exclaims as her grandmother opens the front door.  
\- Konnichiwa Satoe-chan, how are you?  
\- Suuuper good!  
\- Come, I bought a cake for this afternoon.

After winking at me, Ninomiya-san walks away from the passage to let us in. In the living room, Satoe rushes to the portrait of her father to tell him all her week, while I just sit at the table. Following my discussion with Kazu's mother the other day at the hospital, I decided to go to her home every Sunday afternoon, which delighted Satoe and no doubt her grandmother.

Ninomiya-san brings the cake and goes back to get some tea. The girl came back to me the second when her grandmother put the strawberry cake on the table and stared at it with an appetite. Amused, I calmly laugh which forces me to clear my throat right after.

\- He's not going away, you know.  
\- It looks so tasty ...

Well, first point that differentiates it from his father. Kazu was not particularly greedy. His mother returns with tea and an orange juice for Satoe and soon we all enjoy the pastry.

\- So what did you do with your week both?  
\- I was at Setsuna-chan's birthday!  
\- That is true ? And you had a lot of fun?  
\- Hum! There was cake too and lots of stuff to eat!  
\- Satoshi-kun came with you?  
\- Yeah. The girl replies with her mouth full of cake. He stayed to talk with Setsuna-chan's dad and Masaki-kun's mom. Do you know that Masaki-kun's mom is going to have a baby? Even he's a boy and ...  
\- Slow down, swallow before speaking ... Ninomiya-san interrupted.

We both laugh as Satoe swallows and drinks a big sip of orange juice to get it all through.

\- There was Tomohisa-kun too.  
\- That's good, and you Satoshi-kun, you could integrate in the middle of the parents?  
\- We are a little rejected by others but I get on well with Aiba-san and Sakurai-san.  
\- Good, I understand that it is not very obvious, the parents are quite haughty as soon as you get out of their standards nowadays.

My nose suddenly tickles me and I sneeze loudly twice in a row. Satoe bursts out laughing.

\- You're too funny Satoshi-kun.  
\- Daijoubu? Ninomiya-san asks me.  
\- It will be fine. I say, taking out a handkerchief from my pocket.

Now that I think it's true that my throat a little hoarse since this morning. Please, I'm not sick ...

\- We tend to get sick a little more often with a child. I remember that I regularly caught viruses that were hanging around at Kazu's school when he was little.

That's reassuring for me.

\- But it's certainly nothing. I'm probably getting ideas.  
\- I hope, I hate to be sick.  
\- Believe me, it's even worse when it falls on your child. When Kazu was small, it was very painful, this child was constantly cold because he refused to cover himself properly, haha! He has always been incredibly stubborn!

Ninomiya-san only laughs briefly and her face is sad as a sigh escapes from her lips. She misses his son, of course. I have only been part of his life for a few years, my sadness is nothing compared to that of his mother who saw him grow up. Her gaze shifts from his portrait on the small altar in the living room to Satoe and she smiles again. The little girl looks at her without really understanding the reason for the silence.

\- Doushita? Does request.  
\- Nothing sweetie, you're not hungry anymore?

I notice indeed that it remains in the plate of the little one a good half of the cake that was served to him earlier. She shakes her head in response.

\- In this case, we share what is left, Satoshi-kun?  
\- Gladly. I say with a smile.  
\- I see you're still a good eater!

I blush a little, it's true that I'm greedy. After this lunch at Kazunari's mother, she gives me a piece of cake for Jun and we go home.

The evening is like every day between dinner, bath and Satoe's bedtime. Once alone, Jun and I watch a little TV before going to sleep. It is then only in the middle of the night, around 3 am, according to my alarm clock, that I wake up in a sweat, with a sore throat and a thundering cough and I go to the obvious: I will not be able to go to high school tomorrow. "Shit!" I swear mentally before coughing again.


	11. Chapter 11

\- 38.4 ° C. Jun said, looking at the thermometer he had just removed from my mouth.

My friend then sighs and patches a cool patch on my forehead before making me swallow a piece of toast and a pill for the fever. It had been a long time since I had been lying in my own bed, but my friend insisted that I lied there because I was sick.

\- Well, you stay there. I have an hour free after the lunch break, I will come back to make you eat properly.  
\- And ... Satoe-chan ... I say.  
\- Don't worry about that, I made her her lunch and I'll take her to school. Do you really think you can get out of this bed in your state?

Only a raucous sound escapes from my mouth, causing a coughing fit to wake the dead.

\- That is what I thought. I leave you a big bottle of water here. See you later, little one. He said with a smirk, leaving me alone in the shadows of the room.

The headache pounding my skull, my throat burns and I'm abominably hot under my blancket but once out of it, my body freezes instantly. I hate to be sick. Out of the room, I hear Jun and Satoe chat with each other and leave the apartment. I'm alone. My eyes fix the ceiling, finding it a sudden interest, but eventually close to plunge back into sleep.

 

*****

 

It's dark all around me but I can see a familiar silhouette in the distance in front of me.

\- He Ho ! I scream in hope to see the person turn around.

No effect. So I decide to get closer but the more I advance the silhouette back. I accelerate. Again and again and again so much that it is finally only a few meters ahead of me and once arrived at its height, I put my hand on his shoulder and he turns with a smile that I could never forget.

\- Kazu?  
\- Yo Satoyan!  
\- But ... but ... you are ...  
\- Dead, I know. We are in a dream, baka! He said, ruffling my hair.

This gesture seems to me so true.

\- It's dark here. Kazu said.

My old lover snaps his fingers and instantly, we find ourselves in the living room of our old apartment. He will then settle on the couch while continuing to watch me with a smile.

\- Sit down, Satoyan.

I obeyed, wondering what turn this dream was going to take. Sitting next to him, strangely, I could feel his warmth. But the scariest was when he ran his hand through my hair.

\- Your hair has grown. He said.  
\- Fatally, since all this years.  
\- Gomen.  
\- It's not your fault, you took your responsibilities. You have a great daughter, Kazu.

He nods silently.

\- Can I kiss you ?  
\- Huh? Um yes...

Kazu approaches me and puts his lips on mine in a brief kiss. Making me dive back in the middle of the years of intense happiness that I lived with him.

\- I miss you. He said.  
\- It's me who should tell you that.  
\- I blame myself a lot.  
\- Stop saying that.  
\- I should not have taken the wheel.  
\- What? What are you talking to me about?

But my question remains unanswered and it disappears along with my entire dream to leave room for the color of the ceiling above my head.

 

*****

 

Thanks to medication, I feel a little better and find the strength to get up. So I decide to get out of bed to get Kazu's diary in his bag on my dresser in order to find answers to his last strange sentence. Of course, I keep in mind that this was just a dream caused by fever but we never know. The problem is that the bag is empty.

\- eh? Do I silently before coughing again.

I was sure to have stored it there. But for now, I'm cold and I don't want more than that to return all my apartment, that's why I go back to my bed put me warm under the blancket.

Jun returns two hours later and enters my room.

\- Hey, it seems to be better. He said.

His cheeks are a little red and a silly little smile does not leave his face since he entered. Something happened or he met someone. I'm leaning towards the second option.

\- Is there a new teacher in high school? I then ask that he puts his hand on my forehead.  
\- No why ?  
\- You look very happy. As if you had flashed on someone.  
\- You're just saying bullshit due to the fever... he said with an embarrassed little laugh, plating a new patch on my forehead. I'm going to make soup for you, I took vegetables on the way.

And he leaves the room, fleeing the conversation. I roll my eyes and sniff a little. My hand then seizes a tissue in the box on my bedside table and begins to empty my nose and scraped my throat before going back to bed with my phone. Captivated by one of my apps, I jump when Jun comes back to the room with a bowl of soup and other pills for fever, all is arranged on a tray that he installs on my lap.

\- It's Ikuta-sensei.  
\- What?  
\- That makes me that effect.

I miss spitting my spoonful of soup on hearing my friend's words.

\- Are you in love with the teacher of Satoe-chan?  
\- I know, it's stupid, I just saw him like ... 5 minutes. But ... I don't know ... when I saw him, my heart accelerated all alone, I was hot, I didn't stop stuttering and his smile dear god, it ended up finish me. Stop laughing !  
\- But it's so cute! You had a crush, Jun! Exactly like when I met Kazu.  
\- I can't do much ...  
\- Of course yes, you have to offer him a dinner.  
\- And if we are not on the same side? Did you think about it?  
\- Yeah ... I say before coughing.  
\- The problem is that I can't get him out of my head, this guy obsesses me.  
\- Try dinner and at worst ... you'll have a good friend.  
\- You're good advice for someone who does not want to find a new boyfriend.  
\- I was in love, that's all. At the time I would have liked someone to tell me such things, if Kazu had not taken the lead, I think I would still be virgin.  
\- I will do without details, thank you. And take your medicine.

I obey swallowing the pills with a swig of water. Kazu's diary goes through my mind.

\- Jun?  
\- Hum?  
\- Do you have seen Kazu's diary? I can't find it anymore.  
\- No, sorry.  
\- It's nothing.

I go back to bed, puzzled. I don't know where I could have misplaced this notebook, I don't often go out of the apartment yet ... Finally, too bad. I will look for him correctly when I am not sick. All I want for the moment is to go back to sleep a few hours. I close my eyes. Some time later, Jun returns to the room but leaves immediately, probably because he does not want to disturb me. I then very vaguely hear the front door close before diving back into my dreams.

 

*****

 

Kazu is near me again but not only, Sho-san is there too. They turn their backs but I can't join them, my legs refuse to move and my voice to reach them.

\- No change ? Sakurai asks.

Kazu shakes his head.

\- Satoe miss you, Nino. She still needs you, remember it.  
\- I know all that ! Satoshi also needs me! If I could do something, I would do it right away but it's impossible ...

Sho-san sighs and puts his hand on my lover's shoulder. Why do they seem to know each other?

\- I know.

I don't have the time to ask myself the question that the darkness envelops me again and I find myself in front of the fence of a baseball field. Kazu is there at the bat. I should be in the stands with the other spectators but he needs me, I am his lucky charm. I remember this game. An inter-university match. The pitcher throws the ball, Kazu focuses for half a second, anticipates the movement of the projectile and hits a spectacular homerun. He run from base to base cheered by supporters but only mine come to him, I know. He continues his race and finishes the turn of the field. His teammates jump on him and the moment my eyes meet his, I can see him shine as ever. He finally arrives near me running and kisses me passionately, carelessly fleeing people around us.

\- It's thanks to you, I love you, Satoshi. He whispers.

He embraces me. Its warmth spreads throughout my body and makes me feel good. But I know it's just a dream ...

 

*****

 

The door opens slowly. I open my eyes. It's Satoe coming in and kneeling beside my bed. I smile at her.

\- Are you better Satoshi-kun?  
\- Hum. It's better. How was it at school?  
\- It was great ! You know what ? Jun-kun was all weird to Ikuta-sensei.  
\- How weird?  
\- He was all red and he did not speak well then he had a funny smile.  
\- I see I see. I say, trying not to laugh.  
\- There he sits on the couch and he moves more, even he is still all red.

Ouch. Would my friend be repacked? I take off the quilt and get up. Staggering a little, I go to the door.

\- Satoshi-kun, are you sick, don't you stay in bed?  
\- I'm better, Satoe-chan, I have to talk to Jun-kun all by myself. I say in my hoarse voice.

Indeed, when I leave the room is a scarlet tomato with the face of Jun who is motionless on the couch. I then sit near him to know the reasons for such a state.

\- Have you been rejected?

He shakes his head from right to left.

\- What? You did not ask him?  
\- Yes...  
\- So what ?  
\- He said yes ...  
\- But it's great! That means you have a chance with him!  
\- Why did you force me to do that ?! He shoots suddenly.  
\- But I dont understand...  
\- Oh my God ! He said yes, it makes my stomach aches even more!  
\- It's love that ...  
\- Oh shut up!

A shiver runs through my spine. I backtrack to return to my room retaining somehow my laughter. It's only once the door is closed and I get back under the sheets while Satoe looks at an image book I'm finally laughing at, so my best friend is adorable. But this is only short-lived before I start coughing like a madman when I hear Jun scream, "This your karma!" through the closed door.

 

*****

 

I'm in the street, motionless. It's snowing and the shops around have posted their most beautiful Christmas decoration. On the pavement opposite, I see Kazu walking with a big bag slung over his shoulder, a backpack and a strange bundle that he hold tight against his chest. He is in a hurry and I follow him at a good distance to the apartment where he is returning. I ring. He comes to open me but his eyes show a mixture of surprise and terror.

\- Sa ... Satoshi ... what are you doing here?  
\- I finally found you, Kazu, please, let me talk to you ...  
\- We're no longer together, leave me now... he said, closing the door.

I hold it firmly and make him let it go.

\- I can't live without you anymore, Kazu. Come back to me! I ... I'll change if I have to! Tell me and I'll do it!  
\- It's impossible ... I'm sorry ...

He tries again to close the door. I hear in his voice that he is close to crying, which causes a weight to drop in my chest.

\- Go away, she may hear you ...  
\- Do you live with someone else?  
\- Yes ... well no ... I ...

The rage takes hold of me and without hearing more, I push the door and enters the apartment, pass the corridor while Kazu tries to stop me and finally arrives in the living room. What I see then makes the anger go down in me and replace it with total incomprehension. The room is filled with toys, small pink or animals printed clothes and bibs are stacked in a clothesline on the coffee table next to a half-empty bottle with frogs on it. And finally, in a park at the back of the room, a little baby with dark eyes and pink cheeks stares at me with open mouth.

\- Huh?  
\- It's a long story. Just said Kazunari ahead of me to go take the baby who began to chirp at his sight.

He takes a pacifier in the big bag which is now on the couch, and hands the baby before kissing its forehead.

\- Satoshi, This is Satoe, my daughter.

 

*****

 

I wake up with a jolt. What was this dream? And why does it seem so real to me? It's impossible, I never saw Kazu again and I only knew Satoe about two months ago. My alarm clock shows 3h. Why seek a rational explanation to a banal dream? I don't know why I'm worried, actually. My throat is dry, so I get out of bed on tiptoe without waking up Jun and Satoe and go to the kitchen to drink at the tap and go back to bed.

My hand touches my forehead. It's still a little hot, it's true. It's probably because of the fever that I made all those dreams today. I watch my friend and Satoe sleep for a moment and ask me for a minute if this improvised camping will last a long time. Maybe I should move now that I have Satoe, she will grow up, she will need her own space and I hope that Jun will not stay forever at home. I imagine briefly my friend become a little housewife and greet me every day in apron while he prepares the meal but sleep does not take long to weigh down my eyelids and I go back to sleep, wrapped in the heat and the softness of my blankets.


	12. Chapter 12

Jun left me alone again to work today. My fever rises a little this morning so I'm buried again under my blancket and stunned by the drugs. The silence of the apartment cradles me and calms me when I have the impression that dozens of hammers hit the inside of my skull.

"Satoshi, I'm alone ..."

I jump, thinking I heard Kazu's voice, but the silence still surrounds me. I close my eyes. I just dreamed. Sleep quickly seizes me.

"Please, come back to me ..." I still hear in my mind before sinking.

*****

\- Well, you know the whole story. Said kazu in front of me, holding Satoe against him.  
\- Why didn't you tell me?  
\- I didn't know how you were going to react. I didn't wanted what happened but I love Satoe with all my being. She's my only priority now.  
\- I understand perfectly and it does not change anything for me, I love you and I am ready to raise her with you, since she's there.  
\- It's not that easy, you know. It's not enough to like children to be able to raise them and if you see her as a vulgar accessory that you feel obligated to bear with to stay with me, it's out of the question that we get together again.

The girl stares at me, her fist in her mouth while my ex-lover cradles her. She is so pretty, all the portrait of Kazu. She smiles at me and her father discreetly imitates her by passing his hand through her thin, dark hair. Before he obviously remembers something.

\- I'm sorry, do you want some tea? I didn't even propose it to you.  
\- Hum ...

He gets up but as he still holds the baby in his arms, he stares at me anxiously to give me a few minutes.

\- I can hold her for you if you want.  
\- I don't know if it's a good idea.  
\- Do you really have so little confidence in me?

He doesn't answer and goes around the coffe table to put the baby in my arms.

\- Don't let her fall down, be careful!  
\- Don't worry...

Satoe gives me a curious look as she is placed in my arms but she does not flinch more than that and continues her babbling while Kazu gets busy in the kitchen while taking a look at me regularly. When he comes back, he serves us the tea and comes back to the little one. It was not counting the fact that she now clings firmly to my sweater. I see her father's jaw clench and gently pulls her little fingers away to finally bring her to him and sit in front of me.

\- I'm surprised, she usually doesn't like strangers.  
\- She must likes me.

He bites his lower lip and his arms tighten the baby a little more against him in a purely protective gesture.

\- What are you afraid of, Kazu?  
\- Huh? I'm not afraid of anything. Please, drink your tea and go home, we will be much better one without the other.  
\- Are you sure ?  
\- Yes, you will probably find better than a single father and his baby, someone who can make you happy and bring you what you want in life.  
\- Once and for all, I love you! It's with you that I want to be with! Satoe is just ... a part of you that I'm ready to love too! Okay, I don't know how to take care of her, but I'd like you to teach me!

He says nothing for a long time when he stares at me in the white of the eyes, his lower lip trembles and his eyes are wet. Then all of a sudden, without warning, he goes around the table again and sticks his lips to mine.

\- How can you stay so nice after what I did to you? I love you so much, Satoshi! Forgive me please... he tells me tears covering his face.  
\- I love you too. And what is done is done. Look, you have a beautiful little girl now.

Kazu looks down at Satoe, smiles and kisses her on the top of her head. He sighs and then looks up in my direction.

\- We will always be three.  
\- I know.  
\- She can potentially interrupt us in our couple activities.  
\- I know.  
\- And above all, especially, she will always be my priority no matter what.  
\- It's normal.  
\- Are you sure you still want to get back with me?  
\- Only if you, you want it.  
\- More than anything. He said kissing me again the most passionately.

*****

Wake up with a start. Now sitting in my bed, I notice that I am sweaty. What was that again? I don't even have the impression of having dreamed, rather of reminding myself of a distant memory. I put my hand on my face for a moment and try to calm me down. It is then that my eyes are on the dresser and I notice that the box containing the affairs of Kazu is no longer in its place. Like his diary, it disappeared.

My heart suddenly accelerates. It's impossible. I get up and dig a little in the room looking for it. But no trace of the box. It have like ... evaporated. "Calm, Satoshi, maybe Jun has moved it." I said, sitting down gently on the edge of the bed, my head starting to spin. I go back to bed and an incredible fatigue immediately seizes me. "I'll only have to ask Jun when he gets home." I th feeling sleep come back to the charge.

*****

\- Tadaima!  
\- Oh ! Who is that, Satoe-chan? As I see Kazu land in the kitchen while I feed the baby.

The baby smiles broadly and her father finally arrives near her to kiss her forehead, take a chair and settle near us before kissing me too.

\- So ? How are the two loves of my life?  
\- Well, we finish eating, dad. I said, handing a spoon full of carrot puree to Satoe.  
\- But all that looks delicious! He said, snatching another smile from the girl.

It is silent then some time and the room is animated only by the giggles of Satoe seeing me make grimaces and change the spoon in a thousand other things. Then he ends up speaking again, looking anxious.

\- Say, Satoyan?  
\- Yes ?  
\- I was offered to cover an event in Kyoto in two weeks. As it will last a long time, I should spend a night there to avoid traveling at night ... I told them I was going to think about it and ...  
\- Why didn't you accept?  
\- There is Satoe ... my mother can't keep her and I can't take her with me.  
\- I can take care of her.  
\- You're sure ?  
\- It's been three months since I live with you now. I think I have enough experience with her that you leave her to me for two days.  
\- Hmmm ... he says, looking skeptical.  
\- I can't believe you don't trust me ... We've known each other for years, yet ...  
\- That's not it ... it's just that ... I've never left her to anyone other than my mother or the daycare and I've never been separated from her so long and so far .

My partner stops to wipe Satoe's mouth with her bib and take her out of the high chair to put her on his lap.

\- I understand. But I'm part of her life too. I intend to stay with you all mine and we will raise her together so I would have hoped that you think of me first.  
\- Gomen. I still have a hard time making me think that you've come back, that we live together and that you want to get involved with Satoe so much. I was alone with her almost all her first year, I had to postpone interesting offers, I had to manage as best I could when she was sick. In the end, I think it became automatic in me.

I surround his shoulders with my arm and put my head against his shoulder.

\- You're not alone anymore, Kazu, and you'll never be alone again, trust me.

He sighs.

\- You're right, I can leave her to you. There is no reason. He said with a smile.  
\- That would make me the greatest pleasure.  
\- Above all, if there is the least concern, you call me and I come back immediately.  
\- Everything will be alright. Ne ? I said, addressing the baby who immediately goggles in Kazu's arms, snatching a laugh from both of us.

*****

\- Jun, did you put away the box where I kept Kazu's stuff?  
\- Hum no. Answer my friend from the chair on which he is installed and calmly corrects his copies.

Ok, it's getting really scary.

\- Why ? Pursuit Jun.  
\- It was on my dresser in the room but she is not there anymore and the newspaper too has disappeared.  
\- Bah ... you'll find them. As he continues in his task.

I slump on the couch, frustrated not to find the precious memories of Kazu, and sighs.

\- I see you're better. Said Jun.  
\- Yes, yes ... I do. And it was time, I didn't stop making strange dreams these past 3 days.  
\- Like ?  
\- Well ... I lived my life as if I was with Kazu again but ... I don't know, it looked so real.  
\- But it was not, it's the principle of dreams. You had a fever it's normal that your dreams are completely crazy.  
\- You're right, I said, taking my head in my hands, why am I worried?  
\- Then, how are you doing ? You're ready to go back to work ?  
\- Yes, I think I should not fall dead in front of the students.

Jun then puts down his pen, leans into his bag next to him and pulls out another huge pile of copies.

\- More corrections?  
\- As you see, he sighs as he puts his glasses back on his nose.  
\- I really chose right to teach art... Do I make fun of him.  
\- Urusai ... he grumbles.

*****

Jun stopped in kindergarten and I can face mother groups and children screaming in the yard again. I walk with Satoe towards the entrance when a familiar voice stops me.

\- Satoshi-kun!

I turn around, it's Rinko-san who beckons me with her free hand.

\- Rinko-san, ohayo! I say with a smile.  
\- Ohayo! Says Satoe.  
\- Ohayo Satoe-chan! Masaki, say hello, please.  
\- Ohayo ... mutters the child, looking away.

His mother sighs, rolling his eyes.

\- Excuse him, he isn't in the morning and he isn't so enthusiastic about having a little brother for some time.  
\- It's nothing, I should not be better than him at his age.  
\- You feel better ? I heard you were sick.  
\- What do you mean ?  
\- Sho-kun and I noticed that these last three days, it was your friend who deposited Satoe-chan at school, I asked him if you go well.

Jun didn't even tell me.

\- Oh yes. Yes, I'm better, thank you.

I feel the little girl gently pull on my clothes. I lean in her direction.

\- What is happening ? I ask him.  
\- Say, can I go play?  
\- Me too, mom?

My eyes meet Rinko-san's and we smile at each other.

\- Yes, go ahead.  
\- Itekimasu! They both launch while rushing into the yard, not without greeting Ikuta-sensei in passing.  
\- Aaaah, children ... Sigh my friend watching them go away with me. Oh ! But you must surely go to work, I hold you back!  
\- It's nothing, see you next time. I say after suddenly remembering Jun waiting for me in the car.  
\- Are you going with the class outing in the forest?  
\- What outing?  
\- In two weeks, there is a planned outing in the forest and parents will accompany, your friend didn't talk to you about it? Ikuta-sensei has distributed a document on this subject.  
\- Oh, no, he must have forgotten. I don't know yet, I'll think about it.  
\- It's a Sunday, usually Sho-kun and I accompany but this year I will not be able to go. She said with a small smile, pointing to her round belly.  
\- Um, I understand, I'll think about it, thank you.

We greet each other and finally rejoin Jun's car, which drives us both to high school hoping not to arrive late to teach.

\- Say ...  
\- Hum?  
\- Ikuta-sensei gave you a document for me?

Jun blushed suddenly.

\- It's possible, I had to forget, he makes me so nervous. Gomen ne.

I sigh, understanding. I was in love, too. I lean on the edge of the window of the car. Sho-san will be on the tour, maybe I'll go too, after all. If he is there, we will stick together with all the mothers. In addition it will surely be a pleasure for Satoe.

\- I think I put it in my bag.  
\- Huh?  
\- The paper for the outing.  
\- Oh ok. By the way, when is your dinner with Ikuta-sensei?  
\- Uh ... Saturday 18h.  
\- Good luck. I say with a frightful accent that makes us laugh a few minutes.  
\- I will not conclude right away, especially since I live at your home.  
\- Yes please. I'm still fine but think of Satoe and her innocence please.

We laugh again and soon come to high school. Jun parks and digs a moment in his bag to find the document I need.

\- Here, he said, handing it to me.  
\- Thank you!  
\- Stop the English, Satoshi.

We head to the entrance as I walk through the document. The Aokigahara forest at the foot of Mount Fuji. It's where we go. It's expected that we walk a small part of the walk and then take a tourist shuttle so as not to tire the children too much. Aokigahara ... I feel like I have already been there ...

\- Ohno-sensei, watch out for the stake! Throw a student voice.

I stop, indeed, I was going to take one of the luminaries of the court right in the face. To my left, the student who shouted. Morita-kun, one of my students at the art club. I thank her with a smile and enter the buildings, hearing the little girl group she was part of, chuckling gently behind me.


	13. Chapter 13

\- Time goes by ...  
\- hum ...  
\- We did things well anyway, don't you think?  
\- Satoshi, it's only her first day in kindergarten ... Laugh my lover next to me in the car.  
\- I know, but yet, I feel like we have accomplished something.  
\- Who's the father here? You or me ?  
\- Mou ... stop with that, you know what we said about that.  
\- I'm kidding, you'll always be her cool daddy Satoshi. He said with a small smirk.

I turn to the back seat where satoe sat, her little yellow hat screwed on her head and her bag beside her. She looks out the window, looking absent.

\- I'm afraid she has the same relationship to kindergarten as you.  
\- Pity, no, I want her to have fun, make friends, unlike her coward father.

He sighs.

\- Yesterday, She was still my little baby tough...  
\- A tissue ?  
\- No it'll be fine. Stop making fun of me !  
\- Hahaha! You're so cute Honey!  
\- We see that you were not there yet for her crying during the night, colic, pneumonia and anguish of the sudden death of the newborn.  
\- It's not my fault and I got the pees in bed, gastro enteritis and chickenpox, I'll tell you.  
\- I know. He said looking sorry.  
\- Well, we don't care. The important thing is that I found you. We are a family now and there is still a lot to come  
\- Hum.

We stop. A lot of parents and children are there. Kazu and I stay a few moments looking at them through the car window.

\- I think you should go alone. I said.  
\- No ! You come too, you are as much her parent as me.  
\- Not in the eyes of the law.  
\- Fuck the law. He said coming out of the vehicle to pick up Satoe and open the door. Come on. Toma told us that everything would be fine, the director is perfectly understanding.

I pull myself out of my seat and take Satoe's left hand just as Kazu takes the right. He smiled at me, surely to reassure me a little, and we walked in the crowd to find the teacher in front of the gate. Mothers stare at us, I feel oppressed.

\- Hello ! I am Midori-sensei, the teacher of the little ones, delighted. She said, shaking hands with everyone. What's your name ? She asks, bending down to Satoe.  
\- Ninomiya ... Satoe ... She said shyly.  
\- Satoe-chan? It's a pretty name ! Who did you come with today?  
\- Daddy and Daddy Toshi. She said without hesitation for a second.

The teacher then gets up to us and I can see her eyes go from one to the other for about ten seconds.

\- That's great ! You're lucky to have two dads!  
\- Hum! Say Satoe with a broad smile.  
\- And what are the names of the dads?  
\- Ninomiya Kazunari desu.  
\- Ohno Satoshi desu. I say, reassured.  
\- Well, good. You can go play with all the other little children in the yard, Satoe-chan.

The little girl squeezes our hands a little more and looks at us imploringly. My eyes meet Kazu's and we stoop to her height.

\- We're coming back at the lunch, princess.  
\- Um, you're a big girl now, you have to go to school. I'm sure you'll make lots of friends. I said.  
\- Can we have a little kiss?

The little one shakes her head and kisses us both on the cheek before entering the yard to join the other children without even turning around. She is much braver than we had imagined. My lover and I, get up without leaving Satoe eyes, the same smile in the face.

\- Yeah ... we did things well, said Kazu.  
\- Sumimasen!

We turn around, a couple comes up to the grid while running. The man is dressed in a neat costume and carries a girl in his arms while his wife is dressed more soberly, in a classic dress but nevertheless adapted to the circumstances. They approach Midori-sensei, completely out of breath and the man puts their daughter on the ground.

\- Hajimemashite, Sakurai Sho and my wife Sakurai Maya.  
\- Domo. Responds the teacher with a big smile. And what's the name of this little chip?  
\- Sakurai Setsuna. The mother answers.  
\- We are not late I hope? Add her husband.  
\- No no. Rest assured !

They both sigh with relief and embrace their daughter who joins the yard. To our surprise, the girl approaches Satoe and both seem to get along well.

\- You see ? It looks like she has already made a friend and no tears. Said Maya.  
\- Hum. She is growing up, our little girl.

The couple then turns to us.

\- You too have trouble separating from your children? Sho-san asks.  
\- A little. We answer with one voice.  
\- Haha, having take care of them for three years, it's complicated. Which are yours?

Kazu and I point the direction of the two girls who are now having fun together.

\- It's our daughter, Satoe. Kazu said.  
\- Oh ! What a coincidence ! Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. Said Maya as she and her husband bow to us.  
\- Yoroshiku onegaishimasu. We respond by imitating them.

*****

Another one of those dreams. I've been doing it for a week and it looks like they're following a logical order. I don't understand anything anymore, why does my subconscious show me the life I will never have with Satoe and Kazu near me? Plus, one thing makes me feel bad. Sho-san was there with his daughter's mother and they were married but it wasn't the face of Maya that I saw, no. It was Rinko-san's. No doubt, this is just a rambling of my mind. I laugh for a second in my bed imagining Rinko-san married to Sho-san and righting me. The sun is already shining outside but my alarm clock indicates 6:11 and Jun as well as Satoe are still sleeping.

I drape their futons and slip silently out of the room. Given the time, I have time to prepare a good breakfast. I put on my apron and set to work.

Later, as I set the table, Satoe comes out of the room rubbing his eyes.

\- Ohayo, Satoe-chan. How are you this morning ? I whispered to let Jun sleep for a few more minutes.  
\- Hmm ... she mumbles, shaking her head.  
\- you want to eat ? I made breakfast.

She remark then the meal on the table and his face lights up.

\- Suuuugoi! It looks so good ! But ... Jun-kun is not awake yet, we have to wait for him, right?  
\- You're right, a little cartoon in the meantime?  
\- Haaaai! She says with enthusiasm.

After an episode, Jun leaves the room.

\- Ohayo Jun-kun! Throw the girl.  
\- Ohayo. Satoshi, did you do all this? He asks when his eyes fall on the table.  
\- Hum. I woke up early.  
\- Well, what are we waiting for? Let's eat !

All three of us sit down and start the meal. Once finished, I'll help Satoe get dressed while Jun gets a shower and I take her place. Half an hour later, we leave the apartment.

\- Ne Satoshi-kun?  
\- Hum? Nani? I make myself turning to the backseat in the car.  
\- Are you coming into the forest with us?  
\- Hum. I answer him with a smile. I come.  
\- Yatta! Say? Do you think there will be bears?  
\- Uh ... I don't think, at least, I hope.  
\- And wolves?  
\- Neither.  
\- Why are we going then?  
\- For nature, because it's pretty and it feels good to walk around.  
\- This is the Aokigahara forest at the foot of Mount Fuji? Asks Jun.  
\- Hum.  
\- Then she must be full of demons and ghosts! Said my friend in a scary voice.  
\- You're not funny Jun-kun! Ghosts and demons don't exist!  
\- what do you know about that ?  
\- Well...  
\- Jun, stop scared her ... I sigh. Don't worry Satoe-chan, there is nothing to fear, otherwise we will not take you walking in it.

She smiles and looks away at the window next to her.

\- If I saw Daddy's ghost, I would not be scared. She says.

*****

\- Satoshi-san!

I turn around halfway to the class where I'm going to search Satoe every night. Sho-san comes in my direction with a broad smile.

\- Konbawa! It's been a while, are you all right?  
\- Yes, thank you for worrying. And you ?  
\- Oh, that's fine. Setsuna is very excited at the idea of going out into the forest, I can barely make her sleep at night. Are you accompanying?  
\- Hum. I say, thinking he was one of my motivations to go.  
\- Aaaah ureshiii ...  
\- Really ?  
\- Oh yes, you don't imagine what it's like to be the only dad in this kind of stuff, I sometimes feel like a piece of meat among the tigers. Then the mothers talk a lot more about women's stuff, you see?  
\- Um, I understand.  
\- That must please Satoe-chan.  
\- Yes a lot.  
\- Say? Would you like to go eat somewhere that night? It's me who offers.  
\- Hey? Do I imagine myself already meeting him.  
\- I am very bad in the kitchen and as in addition we will surely be exhausted all four, it's a good opportunity to eat outside. You agree ?  
\- Uh ... yes ... yes, it can be a good idea ...   
\- Awesome ! Well, now we should maybe go back to the girls, otherwise the night will fall without us realizing it.

We continue our way up to the classroom and go inside. Immediately, Setsuna-chan throws herself on her father and Satoe on me. She does not say anything. Ikuta-sensei reports the day while the two girls go to collect their belongings and then leave school.

Satoe's silence lasts until I put her to bed. And it's not for lack of trying to make her laugh, Jun and me.

\- Satoe-chan? Something is wrong ?

She shakes her head.

\- Are you sure ?

She stares at me for a moment and squeezes her teddy bear a little closer to her chest before finally speaking to me in a low voice.

\- At school ... there's a boy named Keitarou. He said it was not normal to live with two men.  
\- What did you tell him?  
\- That I didn't care because I'm happy to be with you because you were in love with my daddy. And he said it wasn't normal for two men to be in love with each other.  
\- You don't have to listen to him, he's a bad boy, that's all.  
\- I know, I don't care.  
\- It's very good. I say with a smile. Why are you all so sad?  
\- Because he asked me where my mommy was. I don't know where she is and I don't know who she is.  
\- Did your dad ever tell you about her?  
\- No.  
\- Well...I know who it is. I say without thinking.  
\- It's true ?  
\- Hum. Her name is Chiemi.  
\- Chiemi ... Repeat the little one.  
\- And unfortunately, she is in heaven, like your dad.  
\- She had the same illness?  
\- No, she died giving you birth, she gave her life for you.  
\- Hontou?  
\- Hum. I nod.

A broad smile is drawn on the face of the little girl.

\- She must be super nice.  
\- Surely.  
\- I would like to know how she was. Dad did not have a picture of her?  
\- I don't believe.  
\- Why ?

Ouch, the trap, how to explain to a little girl that her father never loved her mother and that he ignored her all their life together?

\- I don't know.  
\- Never mind, it doesn't matter. Good night Satoshi-kun.  
\- Good night ... I say before I get up and leave the room.

Jun is sitting on the couch and watching TV in mute. I join him.

\- So ? What was the problem ?  
\- Her mother.  
\- Her mother ?  
\- Yes, a child made her notice that she didn't know anything about her.  
\- What did you tell him?  
\- What I know of her. But I didn't find a picture of her in Kazu's stuff and the girl really wanted to see her.  
\- If he didn't love her and didn't have a wedding ceremony with circumstances, that's not surprising.  
\- I know, I would have at least wanted to give her that.  
\- Poor you ... said my friend, patting my shoulder with a friendly gesture.  
\- Otherwise, you know what?  
\- Not what?  
\- Sakurai-san invited me to dinner after the children's excursion.  
\- Serious ?! Exclaims my friend, suddenly departing from me.  
\- It's okay, it's just going to the restaurant with the girls, it's probably not for the purpose of being romantic.  
\- Oh it's like that ... Not even funny. He said a little disappointed.  
\- We'll see you after your dating.  
\- Aaaah! Don't tell me about it! He said, thrusting his face into a cushion.

*****

\- A hike in the forest? Just all three?  
\- Hum. It will do us good. You really need it, look, you've been doing a lot lately and you don't sleep much.  
\- Exactly, I work a lot, so I don't really know when to organize it.  
\- You don't work on Sundays as I know.

My lover sighs.

\- Ok go for a Sunday in this case.  
\- I knew you would say yes. I said kissing him on the cheek.  
\- Where are we going ? He asks refocusing on his computer screen.  
\- Aokigahara Forest, just below Mount Fuji. It was Sho-kun who gave me the idea, he took Maya and Setsuna there last summer.  
\- You surprise me. Sho-kun must know all the the touristic sites of the country.  
\- that's because he's coming out of his house a bit more often than some people. I said. Aren't you happy to spend time with your daughter and your lover?  
\- Yes, very happy. He smiled at me before kissing me.  
\- Come to bed Kazu ... I said going to settle on the bed.  
\- If I go to bed at the same time as you it's not sleep that I'm going to do.  
\- I'm not tired, and you?

He laughs while closing his computer and comes to join me. He approaches me on all fours and his lips join mine in a sensual dance. But as our hands begin to get lost under each other's clothes, the door creaks, causing us to separate immediately as bare feet are heard on the floor.

\- I had a nightmare. Says Satoe's little voice standing in front of our bed in her pink pajamas and hugging her bear.

Kazu gets out of bed as I slip under the blancket and takes the little one in his arms.

\- It's nothing, princess, you'll settle down between Daddy Toshi and me and we'll drive away all the nasty dreams.

My lover drops Satoe in the bed next to me and settles in turn. We both kiss her on her forehead and stay there watching her as she falls asleep. When the girl is finally gone to the land of dreams a few minutes later, my lover fixed me with a broad smile.

\- That, he says, is better than anything we could have done in bed tonight. I love you both.

He kisses me and puts his head on the pillow, his forehead glued to his daughter's head and closes his eyes. I close the eyes, unable to dream better as life.


	14. Chapter 14

\- Jaa ... itterashai!  
\- Itterashaaaai!  
\- Itekimasu ... Says Jun, visibly anguished at the mere prospect of his date with Ikuta-sensei.

My friend puts on his shoes and then leaves the apartment after a last look in our direction.

\- It looks like he was scared ...  
\- Don't worry, Satoe-chan, Jun-kun is a big boy, he'll do well. I say to the girl as we return to the living room.

She settles in front of the TV, already in pajamas with her teddy bear while I put on my apron.

\- Omurice tonight?  
\- hum! She answers, full of energy.

I laugh while starting the preparations. Later, we eat only the two of us for the first time since Jun lives at home and then we finish our evening in front of a dvd and then I have to carry Satoe in bed (finally, since all this time I admitted that it is more his than mine).

I then take the opportunity to be alone to looking for Kazu's stuff. But after a good hour of searching wherever i hadn't, my research has still not succeeded. The cardboard has definitely disappeared. I lost the only material memories I had of him. All I have left is his portrait, which smiles at me from my living room's bookcase. I stop in front of it and touches the glass with the fingertips.

\- Gomen ... I whisper to his face.  
\- About what ?

I turn around abruptly. He is here in front of me. I rub my eyes, it's only a dream. But apparently I can't wake up because he's still in front of me, silent.

\- I know it's a dream. I said.

He shrugs and approaches.

\- Call it as you want. So ? What are you excusing?  
\- I lost the only things I still had from you.  
\- It doesn't matter. I'm still there. He said pointing to my heart.  
\- Yes of course...

He goes to the room, I follow him. He crouches at Satoe's bedside and strokes her head.

\- You also have Satoe ... Is it really important to have a cardboard filled with old stuff? And...

He gets up and faces me smiling peacefully.

\- We'll be together soon.  
\- Hey?

He does not answer but kisses me. My eyes close and when I open them again, Kazu is no longer there, and I lie on my futon. Obviously, a dream. Yet I don't remember going to bed. It's past midnight. I hear the front door open then close. It must be Jun. I get up to go to meet him. He is already in the kitchen having a glass of water.

\- It went well ?

He jumped.

\- Yes Yes. Everything went well. He said hurriedly.  
\- What has happened ?  
\- We ate, discussed and going back in the car we ...  
\- What ?! have you already had sex ?!  
\- No! We ... we kissed each other. I had the impression that an electric current ran through my whole body it was so ... wonderful ... and strange at the same time ...  
\- Wow.  
\- That's the word, yes.

He passes me to enter the room quickly and come out dressed in his pajamas.

\- We decided to try to go out together and see what happens.  
\- That's great ! I'm proud of you.  
\- Oi! Don't treat me as a 15 years old teenager, I'm no longer a virgin.  
\- Neither do I.  
\- Raaah ... that's not the point. It's just that this is the first time I'm really in love and I think he feels the same, he looked as awkward as me.  
\- So cute ! I'm happy for you !  
\- Urusai ... He said with a small embarrassed laugh as we sit on the couch. You came out of the room, I woke you up?  
\- Yes and no. I slept but you did not wake me up. I don't even remember going to bed.  
\- You must have been dead.  
\- Surely. I had a dream, Kazu was here in the apartment and we talked and then before I woke up he said, "We'll be together soon".  
\- So a dead person appeared to you in a dream and told you that but you're not freaked out at all.  
\- Why ? It's been days and days that I've made tons of dreams about what our life could have been like if we were always together.  
\- A dead man told you that you would be reunited, it hardly implies that you will die too.  
\- What? I burst out laughing. You're a little paranoid I think! Hahahaha!  
\- Admit it's scary anyway.  
\- It's only a dream Jun. I'm not going to die, I'm fine.  
\- And if you get caught by a car? And if...  
\- And if we went to bed? I propose as I get up to go to my room, cutting short this ridiculous discussion.

Jun follows me and we slip under the blancket in silence. A few minutes later, I can barely hear him snore as sleep envelops me little by little in his arms.

*****

I enter the apartment, my arms loaded with shopping bags. I throw a merry "tadaima" that echoes through the hallway while I remove my shoes but no one answers. On the contrary, I can hear Kazu screaming and Satoe crying. That never happened, that's why I speed up the pace to the living room where the scene takes place. Satoe is sitting on the couch, her face wet with tears, and my lover is visibly scolding her, his camera in his hands.

\- Go to your room! I don't want to see you anymore !

The girl runs to her room while crying, jostling me in passing. Kazu then inspects his camera in silence without uttering a word or even greeting me.

\- What has happened ? I ask by posing the groceries in the adjacent kitchen.  
\- Nothing ! He spits before putting his work tool back in his holster.  
\- Kazu ... you never raised the tone so loudly on Satoe.

He drops on the couch and runs his hand over his face. Face that makes me more and more difficult to see so much it is marked by apparent fatigue.

\- I was working at my desk and when I came to drink, I found her to take my camera out of its bag and of course, she dropped it.  
\- And is it broken?  
\- Fortunately not.  
\- Don't you think that was excessive? She is only 5 years old! Listen to her crying!  
\- I had forbidden her! Do you know how much this device cost me? This is my work tool and we are already pretty tight with the loan for the new house!  
\- Kazu ... you work too much, you're on your nerves ... I said, going to sit next to him.

He sighs and takes his head in his hands.

\- You are right. I don't know what took me. It's because of my deadline. Now she will not want to talk to me anymore.  
\- Don't say that, you're her father, she loves you more than anything. Why aren't you going to explain with her?  
\- Hum. I ... I'll go there.

My lover gets up and leaves the room to go to Satoe's room, who is still crying. I followed him. We sit on the edge of the bed and Kazu takes the girl against him.

\- Sato ... I'm sorry for yelling at you like that ...

The little girl clings to the shirt of my beloved and this one tightens his embrace around her.

\- You know you can't touch my camera so why did you want to take it? He asks, wiping Satoe's tears with his handkerchief.  
\- There was ... A boy at school who said I had no mom ... I just wanted to see if ... you had a picture ... of her in it. She gasps.  
\- I understand. He said rubbing her back. I think I can fix that. You stay with Toshi for two minutes?

She nods and I take over by sitting cross-legged on the bed and she sits on my legs crossed while Kazu eclipses. We can hear him digging in the next room and he comes back with a picture frame in his hand. He settles in front of us and shows us what he brought back. The photo of two young women.

\- She, he said, pointing to the woman on the left, is Chiemi, your mother.

My lover gives the frame to his daughter. The girl seems fascinated while Chiemi's face looks strangely familiar to me.

\- She is beautiful. Said Satoe.  
\- She passed away, unfortunately. Kazu continues. She chose to give her life to save yours and let you come to the world.  
\- Is it my fault ?  
\- No. He said with a benevolent smile. No, it was not your fault. She had ... an illness when she was expecting you.  
\- Hum ... And what about the other lady?  
\- Maybe a friend of hers.  
\- Can I keep it?  
\- If you want.  
\- Yatta!  
\- Well, we leave you? I thought I saw Papa Toshi come home with lots of good things for dinner, I'm going to put everything away with him.

Before we get out of bed, Satoe approaches Kazu and kisses him on the cheek as well as me, any quarrel forgotten. Later, we find ourselves both storing the groceries in the kitchen.

\- Say Kazu? I ask him when I hand him a bottle of ketchup to put in the fridge.  
\- Hum?  
\- I was wondering ... maybe it's not easy for you to talk about this but ... What's she's dead, Chiemi-san? You never told me.

It takes him a little while to answer me.

\- Haemorrhage. It can happen, we can't predict it. According to the doctor who operated on her, she was already in cardiac arrest when she arrived at the hospital. They gave birth to Satoe in emergency by cesarean and tried to stop the bleeding and ranimate Chiemi but there was no hope anymore.  
\- I'm sorry.  
\- You don't have to, I already told you. Although I wagered for that, there was nothing between us, not even friendship, not even sympathy. At least ... coming from me.  
\- You are not responsible for her death.  
\- I know. But the least thing would have been to be there for her. She was pregnant with my child after all...

He closes the fridge door. Stretch and leave the room.

\- I have to go back to work. Sorry to leave you the dinner again.

I shake my head.

\- Hm hm. Go work !

He turns around and put his hands gently on my cheeks before meeting our lips in a passionate kiss.

\- I love you. Whispers him. Now that I've got you back, I'll never leave you again, do you hear me? You are the one and only person I have ever loved in this way.

*****

\- Is everything ok Satoshi-san?

It's Sho-san's voice that makes me coming out of my thoughts as we follow the group on the path that runs through the forest.

\- Yes yes, that's fine, an impression of déjà vu.  
\- Like we're going round you mean?  
\- No no. Still, I trust the path.  
\- Have you already come here?  
\- It's possible, I don't remember.  
\- You must have been too young. He said with a warm smile.

We remain silent for a while while we watch Satoe and Setsuna walk hand in hand in front of us and have fun.

\- It's nice to walk in the forest in summer, the shade of the trees brings a coolness. He said.  
\- As you say.  
\- Is it still ok for dinner outside tonight?  
\- Of course. Satoe was delighted when I told her.  
\- They really are close. Before Kindergarten Setsuna was always stuck to me, I didn't have much time to take her to the park with other children and it was my mother who was guarding her. On her first day I was afraid that she would be alone in a corner all her schooling but she went to find Satoe-chan from the first minute in the yard.  
\- I didn't know the existence of Satoe at that time but I know that his father was not very familiar with the school.  
\- Now that you say it, I remember talking briefly with Ninomiya-san that day.  
\- Ah yes ?  
\- Hum. He was probably just as worried as I am but who is not when his child reaches a milestone in life? And to say that in a year they will enter primary ...

Already in a year...

\- You know ? Oh sorry, I'm talkative.

I laugh briefly, he is adorable.

\- Go ahead, I tend not to talk much.  
\- This forest is a tourist must, but in return it is often said that it is populated by spirits and demons.  
\- Yes, my friend Jun-kun told me about it.  
\- You believe in it ?  
\- What? No, no ... it does not exist.  
\- Well, believe me or not, but last year I saw the ghost of my grandfather.  
\- What?  
\- Me neither I didn't believe these stories, I first thought it was tiredness but he showed me the bag he had with him. I had recovered at his death and on returning, I searched. I found hidden a letter addressed to my grandmother where he declared all his love. It was really beautiful. He said with a pensive little smile.  
\- It's incredible...  
\- Isn't it ?

We notice then that the group before us stopped. Ikuta-san announces the lunch break. Of course, Sho-san girls and I eat together. At the end of the meal, I propose to go throw our garbage in the trash a few meters further.

But when I raise my head from the trash and get ready to go back to return with the group, I see a silhouette in the distance, outside the path planned for walkers. I squint a little and almost fall backwards by noting that it is Kazu. He is motionless and he smiles, as when I thought I saw him in the apartment.

\- The moment is near. He said.

And he disappears while I am speechless. Have I just seen a ghost? In addition, it seems that Jun is right, he comes to announce my death ... I shake my head. It's ridiculous.

\- Satoshi-kun!

I turn around. Satoe calls me and wavers me back with Sho-san.

\- I'm coming !

*****

\- Satoshi-san! Satoshi-san!

I open my eyes, it's Sho-san shaking me. We are in the bus, on the way back to Tokyo.

\- What is happening ? I ask.  
\- The car has a flat tire, we are stuck in a tunnel for a good hour while waiting for the tow truck.

I stand up. Satoe is sleeping and Setsuna next to her too.

\- I'm going down to get a little air and stretch my legs, you come? Asks Sho-san.  
\- Hum.

We go up the driveway to reach the exit door and go down the few steps.

Once outside, we stretch. The driver as well as Ikuta-sensei and a small group of mothers are there too. I observe the surroundings. Cars are going fast in both directions while our bus is stationary on the emergency stop band. A little further on the road, at the foot of the wall, I see broken glass and pieces of plastic.

A car accident, probably.

I don't know why but I get close and fixed for long minutes. A headache suddenly seizes me and I bring my hand to my skull while turning around.

\- Satoshi-san?

Sho-san is not far from me and yet my vision is blurred, my head is spinning and the pain get worse and worse. I feel a hand take mine.

It's Kazu, again.

My heart is beating wildly, my breathing is accelerating.

\- Come on, this is the moment. He said.

He disappears. I lose my balance and fall on my knees. The pain stillgets worse in my skull. I try to calm down but nothing to do. What is happening to me ? Sho-san and the others rush at me.

"Don't fight, come with me Satoshi!" Do I still hear Kazu's voice in my ears before the black suddenly surrounds me when my body finally hits the ground.

*****

I open my eyes painfully. My eyes are blurry, I close my eyes and open them again. A white ceiling. I'm lying down. My head turns to the left with difficulty. Multiple devices and screens, and that little regular beep that comes from that can be heard in every medical series: I'm at the hospital.

Little by little, my feelings wake up and among them: the pain. My chest, my leg and my head hurt and something annoys me in the throat but not only, a hand holds mine. I turn to the other side and my heart misses a beat.

Kazu.

I don't understand anything, I must still be in a dream. Apparently, he sleeps, his head resting on the bed. My hand squeezes his and he stirs a little, looks up and rubs his eyes. When his gaze meets mine, his eyes suddenly widen and he begins to cry as he presses a button near me with a trembling hand. He takes my face gently in his hands as if to make sure I'm there and kiss my forehead again and again.

\- I thought you would never wake up, I thought we would be separated again ... I love you! I love you ! I love you Satoshi! He murmurs in my ear as a doctor enters the room.

I don't understand anything anymore. Nothing at all.


	15. Chapter 15

\- Here, Ohno-san, you should be more comfortable. Said the doctor after removing the tube that was bothering me in the throat.

Kazu didn't let go of my hand since I woke up. I missed his contact and I can feel his love look on me again.

\- How do you feel ?  
\- It ... hurt ... I say, cut in my sentence by the dryness of my throat.  
\- We'll give you painkillers, you should feel better.

I see him gestures to the nurse next to him and she goes around the bed to make an injection into the perfusion connected to my arm. The pain then dissipates little by little.

\- I'll let you take your mind and rest a little. I'll come back to see you tonight.  
\- Thank you Doctor. Said my lover leaving me to bow deeply to them when they go out.

We are alone again. Kazu settles down next to me, grabs my hand that he sticks to his cheek and smiles at me. I imitate him, I still don't understand what I'm doing there but it seems real and his warmth makes me feel good again. He has a scar on the left of his forehead, I wonder where it can come from. My plastered leg rests on cushions, only my toes can still move and each of my inspiration is punctuated by discomfort in my chest. What happened to me ? What happened to us?

\- You don't say anything, said Kazu visibly worried about the silence that has settled down, do you remember me at least?  
\- Yes of course. I said. You are Kazu, the only love of my life and you have a wonderful daughter called Satoe.

His smile widens.

\- We have a wonderful girl, Satoshi. I already told you. You remember what happened?

I shake my head slowly.

\- We went for a walk in the forest as you had suggested and in the evening, when we left, I fell asleep at the wheel, it was weeks that I was lacking sleep, I deviated our car from the road ... and we got into a wall, into a tunnel. He said, his voice trembling.

So the broken glass I saw in this tunnel ...

\- I'm sorry, I blame myself a lot, I almost killed you both, Satoe and you. I will never forgive myself.  
\- She is fine?  
\- Um, she's fine. She was able to leave the hospital two weeks ago after surgery for her broken arm..

Two weeks ? So how long have I been in this state?

\- I had just some back pain and a scratch on the forehead. He said showing his scar. But you...

He stops, his lower lip trembles, a few tears run down his cheeks.

\- You were the most affected, broken ribs, a broken leg and you got a blow on the head that caused a cerebral hematoma. The doctors said they had to revive you to the block. And even after the operation, they were not really optimistic about your awakening. You remained in a coma for 4 long weeks.

4 weeks in a coma ?! But then all the life I lived, his death ...

\- I was so scared that you never wake up ... he sobs.

My hand caresses his cheek in order to comfort him and prove to him my presence but it is done as well as possible because of the grip of his own hand. He still understands my intention and dries his tears.

\- You're right, it's old story. You are well now.  
\- Kazu ...  
\- Yes ?  
\- You were dead ...  
\- What?  
\- When I was in coma. I think ... I lived another life in a dream. I didn't find you, you died of cancer without me ... I missed you ...

He takes me in his arms excessively delicately and he does well, I have the impression to be able to break at the slightest shock.

\- Chhhhh ... he murmurs. Everything is fine ... I'm here.  
\- I thought I was dreaming of a life with you but it was just memories of my real life ... I said crying on his shoulder.

Everything is finally explained. I am so happy that it was only a dream. All my real memories come back finally and I start laughing briefly thinking back to a certain aspect of this dream.

\- What makes you laugh all of a sudden?  
\- I think in my dream, I had a crush on Sho-kun ...  
\- Oh yeah ? We'll see when you get better. He said kissing me tenderly.  
\- And you know what ?  
\- What?  
\- I think sometimes I could hear your voice. You begged me to come back and I thank you for it.  
\- Do you think it's thanks to me if you woke up?  
\- I'm sure. I love you.  
\- I love you too, Satoshi. He said kissing me again with certainly all the love of the world contained in his kiss.

*****

\- Daddy Toshiiiiiii! Satoe says, running into my room, followed closely by her father, Jun and Toma.  
\- Sato, don't shout in the hospital. Kazu said, hoisting her in my bed.

Jun arrives at my height and sits next to me. I was taken out of intensive care the day before to be placed in a more beautiful and welcoming single room.

\- Nice to see you again, Satoshi. We missed you.  
\- So how was the afterlife? Toma application.  
\- Oi! Oi! He has not fully recover yet, let him breathe! And you I point out that this chair is reserved for the boyfriend of the injured!  
\- Calm down the dwarf, leave it to me for two minutes, it's my best friend.

Jun and Kazu argue, as usual. I remember this. And while they argue over which has the most right on an unfortunate chair next to my bed, Toma tries in vain to make them stop. Only Satoe said nothing and snuggled comfortably against me. Her right arm plaster contains the signatures of all our friends and certainly children from her school. Her fingers suddenly tighten on my shirt and I slide my eyes to her face just as worried as her father 24 hours earlier.

\- I was afraid. She says.  
\- Afraid of what ?  
\- That you never wake up. Dad too he was scared and so was everyone. Daddy even cried a lot every night when he got home from the hospital.

I smile at her, trying to reassure her as much as I can.

\- But everything is fine, now. I'm here and I will not die until daddy and I persecute all your boyfriends.  
\- Huh?

I laugh.

\- Nothing, you'll understand when you grow up.  
\- Say ... can you sign my plaster? I kept a place for you.

Saying that, Satoe turns a little closer to me and shows me an empty space bounded by dots on her plaster.

\- Of course, Daddy surely has a marker on him. Kazu?

Stopping dead in his argument, Kazu rushes to my bedside.

\- What's wrong, do you have a problem? Pain somewhere? Hunger? Thirst ? Your pillows? Do you need to pee again?  
\- Calm, I would just like a marker to sign the plaster of Satoe.  
\- Oh ... yes, I have one. He said going digging in his bag a little further.  
\- He's accompanying you to the toilet? Asks Jun.  
\- Yes, and he's waiting for me to finish right before me in the room. I told him that I could go alone with my crutches but he doesn't want me to get tired.

Jun and Toma start laughing.

\- It's super embarrassing! The bathroom is two meters from my bed and after this he doesn't want to let me go! I'm not telling you the concentration I have to show to pee...  
\- And yet you must have done worse than that with your pants down.  
\- Jun-chan! Cries Toma who rushed to put his hands on the little girl's ears.  
\- I didn't say anything.  
\- Fortunately. Said Kazu coming back with a black marker he gives me. Could you cooperate and preserve the innocence of my daughter still saying...until her adolescence?  
\- I'll do my best.

During this time, I started working on Satoe's plaster and she then went to sit at my feet to sprinkle mine with flowers and hearts.

\- Satoe-chan is left-handed? Toma asked who looked down at his work.  
\- Hum. I said. Like Kazu.  
\- But she can use both hands for some things. Said my beloved stroking the little girl's head.  
\- I have her every day in class and I never noticed, I'm a bad teacher ...  
\- No no. Reassured Jun kissing his cheek and patting his shoulder.

Something suddenly strikes me, someone is missing. And even several people.

\- Where are Sho-kun and his little family?

My friends and lover all look at each other with a small smile before laughing.

\- What?  
\- Well ... Let's say they are a little busy right now, Maya gave birth three days ago. Said Jun.  
\- Huh?  
\- Maya, Sho's wife, they were expecting a baby, remember? Kazu said.  
\- Yes Yes...  
\- It's a boy, I'll take you to see them if your doctor agrees.  
\- Mou ...

Kazu smiles at me and leans over to kiss my forehead.

\- Patience, you have been seriously injured so take a little time to rest, you are not invincible.  
\- By the way, when do you go out? Asks Toma.  
\- I don't know yet. The doctor must first make sure that everything is fine. And I have to put my ideas back in place.  
\- What do you mean ?  
\- He says he had the impression of living a different life when he was in coma.  
\- Of which kind ? Asks Jun.  
\- I had never found Kazu, he had died of a brain tumor and I found myself raising Satoe. You were there too. You, Jun, have been squatting at my place since you broke up with Shun and fell in love with Toma while bringing the girl to school. You were so cute!  
\- Yeah, it's not quite wrong ... I squatted at your home a few months before meeting Toma. But that was before Satoe went to kindergarten because it was him who facilitated her entry to school.  
\- Don't remember this wonderful year of...frustration because of the squatter next to our room ... sighs Kazu who settled on the edge of my bed.  
\- And Maya, who didn't look like Maya by the way, and Sho-kun were no longer together, they separated when Setsuna-chan was born and Sho-kun was gay.  
\- Plus he had a crush on him. Kazu mutters pointing at me.  
\- Jealous? Jun asks with a small smile.  
\- No...  
\- It was just a dream, Nino. Laughs Toma.

I grabbed my lover's hand and squeezed it. He turns to me and I motion for him to lean over. I kiss him then, showing him all my love.

\- I only love you. I said.

He smiles at me. He knows it, of course, but his little jealous face makes me melt.

\- Hey! Satoe-chan takes all the space on your plaster! Made Jun.

We turn to her and she laughs. Indeed, my leg is only flowers and little hearts.

\- Mou ... I want to sign, me, Satoe-chan! says Jun.  
\- Me too !  
\- Oi! Priority to the one who shares his life! Lance Kazu rushing to the end of the bed.

And they fight again for trifles while Satoe takes pleasure in concealing the precious marker, chuckling while they begged her all three to give it to them by various promises.

*****

\- Hey! greets Kazu entering Maya's room, pushing my wheelchair. Look who I bring you.

The whole Sakurai family is gathered in the room and everyone is visibly happy to see me. Sho-kun and her daughter are even throwing themselves almost on me.

\- How are you Satoshi-kun?  
\- Well, good. I said.  
\- For one who came out of coma two days before, yes he's better than alright. It's even the doctor who said it. Kazu said.  
\- Have you seen what it is after death?  
\- No, well, I don't know. I was in another life and your wife was not your wife at all.  
\- Hey?  
\- Nothing, it's complicated and we are not here to talk about me, I came to see Maya-chan and the baby.  
\- Thanks, at least he doesn't forget that I'm here. Said the young woman who approached us with a small package that she hold tight against her.  
\- Maya! You should stay in bed and rest ...  
\- Sho-chan, I love you very much but it's not the first time that I give birth and in view of our se...

Maya pauses for a moment, probably remembering the presence of her five-years-old daughter in the room.

\- ... love ... for each other it will surely not be the last. I'm not sick and it's been 4 days since the baby was born so the next time you tell me to stay in bed, I slap you.

Sho-kun freezes and walks away to let his wife get closer to us.

\- We immediately see who dominate in this couple whisper Kazu to my ear, tearing me a small smile.

Maya then lays the newborn in my arms. I already holded Satoe when she was a baby but she was not so small. The newborns are so tiny and fragile that even if I'm seated, I'm afraid to knock him off. It's crazy what he looks like to his mother, with a touch of Sho-kun though.

\- Congratulations to you both, he is beautiful. I said.  
\- Yeah! My little brother is the most beautiful in the world! Setsuna said with conviction.  
\- "Yes", honey, not "yeah". Maya corrects her hand in her hair.  
\- He'll be a ladykiller, just like his father. Said Sho-kun proudly.  
\- I see that your manhood has taken a blow, Sho-kun. Be careful not to remake a baby before the end of the year ... teases Kazu.  
\- No risk, otherwise I castrate him with stones.

Our friend pales visibly and suddenly takes his daughter by the hand.

\- Come on darling, we're going to eat some cake at the cafeteria just the two of us and choose a pastry to bring back to mom. He said with a nervous little laugh as he left the room.  
\- Aaaah, this man. Maya sighs.  
\- I must say that I hurt in his place just at imagine it. Said my lover.

The young woman sits on the chair not far from us.

\- He knows I'm joking. Well, I hope. At least I won a pastry. What is this story with me in your parallel life, Satoshi-kun? I'm curious.  
\- You were there but your name was Rinko, you were a friend of your husband and the mother of the little Masaki-kun.  
\- The little boy from the Chinese restaurant who often plays with the girls?  
\- Hum. And there was another woman who was the mother of your daughter and who bore your name but it was not your face and she and Sho-kun had broken up just after having a child because he was gay.  
\- Wow, is it the fact that they fiddled with your brain who did that or what?  
\- Perhaps.  
\- This woman, did you recognize her? Who was it ?  
\- I don't know.  
\- And ... how are you? You were not too confused when you woke up?  
\- A little, at first, and then I took my mind and I remembered everything.  
\- Still happy, otherwise he would take me for a dead man. Kazu said.

We burst out laughing all three but that makes the baby wake up and start to cry due to the loud sound. Maya gets up immediately and comes back to him to rock him and go back to sit with him. In just a few minutes, he calmed down.

\- Aaah ... mother's love. I sigh.  
\- You don't want to know how we called him?  
\- Oh! Yes, of course. It did not occur to me.  
\- We wanted to respect the tradition of Sho-chan's family and we called him Shinya.  
\- Shinya Sakurai, it sounds good.  
\- It would sound even bad, it's my son and fuck you. My friend answers me with a small smile.  
\- Yes Madam. I say, laughing.  
\- Don't mistreat him too much. That's my job. Said my lover.  
\- Oi!

Kazu kisses my temple and they both burst out laughing.

\- He protests, it is that he has returned well among us. Said Maya.

She's right. This time I am back in real life and I know that I am perfectly surrounded by people who are dear to me. But more particularly, I have the most important person of my life by my side while I thought never to see him again for the second time.

*****

\- You'll be fine ?  
\- Yes, I'm not sugar, Kazu. It's been five weeks since the accident, my body has had time to recover and it's not a little beer drunk at Sho-kun and Maya's house that changed that. I said, entering our apartment on crutches while Kazu wears Satoe asleep in his arms.  
\- She's exhausted. I whisper not to wake her.  
\- Always when she plays with Setsuna-chan.  
\- Don't you think she's adorable when she's sleeping?  
\- Must I understand that my baby is adorable only when she sleeps?  
\- Stop, you know how adorable I always find her. I said, rolling my eyes.  
\- I know, I just missed you, Satoyan. He answers as he walks to the girl's room.

There he drops her on her bed while I sit on the edge of it and he puts on her pajamas. She doesn't even open her eyes, this little girl has always had a heavy sleep. My lover then flanks her and kisses her on the forehead. We watch her sleep, unable to leave her. My eyes suddenly arise on the picture frame on the bedside table of the girl. This famous frame that contains a photo of Satoe's mother, Chiemi, and I suddenly understand why she seemed so familiar to me. It was her, the Maya of my dream.

\- Kazu?  
\- Hum?  
\- I know who I thought being Maya in my dream.  
\- Oh yes, who? He asks, turning to me.  
\- Chiemi-san.  
\- Are you serious ?  
\- Hum.  
\- But you've never seen it in your life ...  
\- I saw that picture, I say pointing to the frame, and my brain had to mix with what you told me.  
\- I see. You were really far away, Satoyan. He smiled at me. We're going to bed too? I'm tired and the alcohol has pretty much relaxed me too.  
\- Hum.

A few minutes later, we are also lying in our bed, fixing the ceiling. Then I hear Kazu move next to me.

\- Satoshi? Can I take you in my arms?  
\- Yes of course. Why are you asking me all of a sudden?

He slips to me and soon his warmth warms my own body, his arm wraps around me and his face nestles in the crook of my neck.

\- I just want to ... convince me that you're here. That I will never lose you again.

Something wet my neck. They are tears, my lover cries silently against me.

\- I was deprived of you twice by my own fault ... and these two times you returned to me by your simple strong will ... I don't want to live this anymore, never ...  
\- It'll not happen anymore. Or at least, as long as I love you, I'll always come back. Satoe and you, you are my reason for living. So dry your tears.

He sniffs and wipes his tears with his arm.

\- Me neither I don't want to live this anymore. I experienced a life where you didn't exist anymore. That was enough for me. I love you Kazu, more than anything else in this whole universe. I...

I can't finish my sentence because my beloved got up and took my lips passionately, sliding his hands under my shirt. That too, I missed it. After many kisses, her mouth moves beyond mine, leaving me breathless as always.

\- You think we can ...?  
\- The doctor said you were in good shape, right?  
\- You make a point ... I said as he straddled me and gently removed my t-shirt.

I take care of his in my turn while he kisses me again and his hands run through my chest in a loving touch. He leaves me again, the time I pass his collar over his head and then returns to draw a line of kisses along my throat. My hands slip into his hair and grip them firmly when he bites me at the junction between my shoulder and my neck, causing in him a groan in perfect synchronization with mine. God, this man has the incredible power to make my head spin and give up the real world to melt with him in all the love that guides our actions. I'll don't give him up for anything, I love him so much.

\- Daddy ?

We stop abruptly and Kazu rolls to his side of the bed again before lighting his bedside lamp and clearing his throat.

\- What's going on, darling?  
\- I had a nightmare. She said as she approached our bed.

My lover and I look at each other with a smile.

\- Come on. Kazu finally said.

And Satoe climbs into our bed to snuggle against us. My lover turns off the lamp and lies down. We wish each other good night and fall asleep a few minutes later.

That's the way my real life is, that's where I belong, alongside the two people who matter most in my life: my lover and our daughter. And that, nothing and nobody will ever be able to change anything. I promise.


	16. Epilogue

\- ... that's when we moved into our very first apartment with Daddy Toshi. Said my lover to Satoe, both sitting on the couch watching old albums.  
\- Daddy Toshi had yellow hair?  
\- We say rather blond but yes, he wanted to look cool.  
\- I don't find him so cool.  
\- Ah! You see ! He said turning in my direction as I pack books in a moving carton.

I roll my eyes before replying.

\- I thought I was fashion, I was young and freshly graduated from art college.  
\- I told you for weeks that you looked ridiculous!  
\- We don't care, it's past. Why am I the only one contributing to our move? It's shameful to make the convalescents work ...  
\- You're not convalescent anymore for a month now and Satoe wanted to see our old pictures.

I sigh and leave my task where it is to settle with them, installing the girl on my lap. Kazu closes the album he was watching and pulls out another from the box where he had them stacked. This one is pink with "Satoe" written on it.

\- What is it, daddy? She asks, not yet knowing how to read the kanjis forming her first name.  
\- Satoe, it's your name, because this album is entirely dedicated to you. I bought it a week after you were born.  
\- Ouaaaah ...

My lover opens the album. On the first page, a picture of the baby at the maternity ward with her name, date of birth, height and weight noted carefully below by her father.

\- I didn't know you so creative, Kazu-chan.

He's blushing.

\- Needless to say. He replies.

On the second page, the same information but on a document from the hospital showing in addition the fingerprints of the feet and hands of the newborn that was Satoe.

\- This document, it was given to me as a memory when I was able to bring you back from the hospital.  
\- I had very small hands and very small feet!  
\- That's always the case, you know? He said with a small laugh as he presented his own hand.  
\- Mou! You're naughty !  
\- Don't worry! It's better to have pretty little hands than your father's ugly paws. He said kissing her on the forehead.

We still spend hours in front of the photo albums, so the moving boxes are still in the water for today. After a quick dinner and a bath for each of us, Kazu and I are in each other's arms in our bed.

\- I didn't know it would make me so nostalgic to see these albums again. He said.  
\- That's the goal of photo albums, you know? You store lots of memories and when you look at them again everything comes back to you right in the face.

My lover laughs.

\- I forgot she was so small. This document with Sato's fingerprints...it's perhaps exaggerated, but when it was given to me it marked for me the beginning of a new life.  
\- This is not exaggerated, on the contrary, I find it so cute and perfectly understandable.  
\- When Satoe was only a baby, I would say until she was 6 months old, I had her in arms almost permanently, I swear! Impossible to separate from her! Aaaah ... how I miss my baby, she is growing so fast ...  
\- Do you want another one?  
\- Eh?  
\- Another child.

He seems to think for a moment before answering me.

\- No. We are well like that. Do you imagine all the administrative procedures? I don't want to focus for years on waiting for a second child while I could enjoy those moments with you and Satoe. I already have the chance to have an adorable daughter and a man I love to madness and that is enough for my happiness. He said ending his sentence with a kiss he laid on my cheek. Besides, since Satoe is my biological daughter, I'm afraid I don't treat them both the same way.  
\- I understand, you're right.

He squeezes me a little more against him and holds his head in the crook of my neck.

\- Good night, Satoyan.  
\- Good night, Kazu-chan. I love you.  
\- Shut up, it's me who loves you the most ... he mumbles before making complete silence except for the sound of his breathing, which is getting slower and slower.

I close my eyes and don't wait to fall asleep, too. This fingerprint story may have given me an idea.

*****

\- Daddy will not get angry?  
\- No, we'll clean all that after. I tell Satoe, putting on her plastic blouse for the painting activities and supposed to avoid stains on her clothes.

I then get up and grabbed two brushes and a pot filled with yellow paint. I give Satoe a brush and we both sit on our improvised sheet of newsprint around a white sheet.

\- First, we paint the whole sheet. I said. Then until it dries we'll eat a big piece of chocolate cake while Daddy is at work.  
\- Yatta! She exclaims before we get down to work.

A few minutes later, we sit in the kitchen in front of our cake and a glass of milk each.

\- So ? It's good ?

Satoe nods, her mouth full of chocolate.

\- I think I did well to leave you your apron.  
\- Say Toshi? In the new house can we stop painting in the living room?  
\- Hum, we'll have a room to paint and draw, Dad will have his office to work and we'll also have a garden to make barbecues and invite everyone.  
\- Yeah! And we can have a dog?  
\- That ... I have to talk to Daddy about it.  
\- Or an elephant ... she said with all the seriousness of the world while his remark makes me laugh.  
\- Where would we put an elephant?  
\- In my bed.  
\- It would be too big.

The girl doesn't answer and stuffs a huge piece of cake in her mouth.

\- Will you manage to finish everything Satoe-chan? I gave you a famous piece though.  
\- Hum!

And to confirm her words she swallows quickly the last end on his plate and then displays a broad smile by raising her thumbs in the air.

\- Well, we'll wash our hands and mouth and then we tackle the most fun part of our surprise.  
\- Haaai!

*****

\- Tadaima. Made my lover entering the living room.  
\- Okaeri. I whispered so as not to wake Satoe who fell asleep against me as I drew sitting on the couch.

I close my sketchbook while Kazu comes to kiss me and sit next to Satoe. He puts a kiss on top of his daughter's head and then strokes her head with a small, peaceful smile on his face.

\- She fell asleep waiting for you. She had dinner and she took a bath, rather than putting her in bed.  
\- Hum.

Kazu then removes the book Satoe held in his hands and watches it for a few seconds before placing it on the couch next to him.

\- She wanted you to read her a story. I add.

My lover sighs sadly.

\- It's true that it's been a long time. I often work late these days.  
\- It's not your fault. We have a house to pay and your hours vary more and more often than mine.  
\- Next week, it will be a little lighter, I can spend the evenings with you.  
\- Cool, it will make her happy. I say with a smile.  
\- And you ?  
\- Me too, of course. But I am a big boy and I have you whole at night and in the morning when I wake up.  
\- Not false.

He kisses me again and between us, Satoe changes position to try to spread out in the small space between Kazu and me. We laugh.

\- Well, I'll go put the princess in bed. You waiting for me in ours? A small staff meeting is needed, Ohno-sensei. He said with a wink and a smirk.  
\- Of course, Ninomiya-sensei. I said getting up while my lover gently raises our daughter and installs her comfortably in his arms to lead her to her bed.

*****

2 months later.

\- Otsukaresama deshita! Thank you for everything ! Made my lover to the movers who helped us move in, while they leave our house.

He closed the door and we sighed together. Finally in our new house, it's been months since we bought it but with my stay in the hospital and my recovery, the boxes had to be postponed. Kazu stretches yawning. It is true that the day has been long and the night has already fallen. Satoe spends the night at her grandmother's house, so we are only both of us.

\- I propose that we eat a pack of instant ramen quickly and go to bed. I said.

He nods with a smile and heads to our new kitchen. While my lover pulled out our electric kettle from a cupboard and heated some water, I took out two bowls from another and now empty the contents of two packets of noodles in it. Tired by the move, we soon swallow our bowls and leave the dishes for the next day before going to bed.

But before I sleep, once I have changed and while I wait for Kazu to brush his teeth, I take this moment to take the surprise that I prepared with the little one for him. He finally comes back and stays still seeing the pack wrapped in my hands.

\- Satoyan? What is this? It's not my birthday ...  
\- I know but it's something that Satoe and I prepared a long time ago, remember? A little after our evening spent in photo albums.  
\- A suprise ? For me ?  
\- Do you see anyone other than us? I ask while tending the package.

My lover smiles and climbs into our bed to sit in front of me and tear the paper. He then remains speechless in front of our present.

\- Is this your handprints? In a frame ?  
\- Hum. It's a bit like the picture of our family, all you need is yours. You told me that Satoe's footprints marked the beginning of a new life, these too, they mark the beginning of our family life in our new home. I said.  
\- Thanks to you both, it's adorable. If you knew how I love you. He said with a broad smile before kissing me tenderly.

His lips finally leave mine but he does not break our embrace, on the contrary, he squeezes me harder against him without saying a word for a long time.

\- Let's do it.  
\- I'm tired but well, we're already in bed so ...  
\- No ! I was talking about adopting a child.  
\- You told me you didn't want to.  
\- Since then, I thought about it again and changed my mind. I want this house to be filled with laughter and children's games. I want my role as a parent to last longer, I still have a lot of love to give and then you don't think Sato would be happy to have a little brother or sister?  
\- I think too. I say with a smile. You're a great father Kazu.  
\- We're both great fathers. I could not dream better for Satoe. He said kissing me. Believe me, tomorrow I will contact an agency.  
\- If you had not done it I would have done it. I say with a chuckle.

My lover puts the frame back in front of his eyes and smiles, looking pensive.

\- And when we have it, this new child will be able to add its mark to our family.

*****

1 year later.

\- Be careful, don't be abrupt. My lover whispers as he opens the door to let us pass, my precious bundle and me.

We stop a little before passing the door of the living room and we both fix the little human-being asleep in the crook of my arms, filled with joy, so much so that it is difficult for us not to cry all over the house .

\- Are you ready ?  
\- Hum.

Kazu then slowly opens the door and we enter the room.

\- Hey! He whispers to Jun and Toma who came to watch Satoe on this occasion.

They all turn to us and the same impatient smile is drawn on their faces.

\- We would like to introduce you to someone. He continues as we move towards the couch and sit down next to Satoe who stares at the newcomer with a bright smile.

Kazu then stays behind me.

\- Satoe, here is your little sister, her name is Kiyo, she's only 5 days old. I said.

She stares at the baby for long moments then her gaze passes over each of us without saying a word.

\- So ? Are you happy Princess? Kazu asks.

She nods, making us laugh in a low voice so that we don't wake up Kiyo.

\- Do you want to take her?  
\- I can ?  
\- Of course. I say, transferring the child to her sister's arms.  
\- Be careful, babies are very fragile, you know? Said Toma.

But Satoe holds her well and admires her with a proud look on her face without uttering a word. Like just about everyone in the room.

It only took a few months after our, well, my application to the adoption agency to get back in touch with me. We could not adopt both, being a same-sex couple and fatally unmarried. So we decided that I would be the legal parent of our next child. Despite everything, the agency had nothing against us and we always presented both.

A couple had contacted the agency 6 months ago. They were very young and could not keep the child they were expecting so they wanted to entrust it to the best possible family. They had already refused 3 or 4 couples before us! I don't know what they liked about us, but they chose us and then Kiyo came into the world.

Everything that Kazu had told me about his feelings as a father for the first time was confirmed for me. I was nervous the first time I could see her and then a huge wave of joy overwhelmed me and I loved her immediately, as if my heart were falling in love again. Kazu was in the same state and yet he lived this situation for the second time. That's when I really understood the emotion of being a parent.

Of course I considered Satoe as my daughter almost immediately after Kazu and I started living together again and I love her just as much, but it was not the same thing. At that moment, I slipped into their lives and their routine already built while with the baby, we prepare to rebuild another little by little.

\- She's so tiny. Satoe murmurs, still in awe of her little sister.  
\- It's normal, she has just been born, she will grow up and become tall and strong like you right now. Kazu tells her.  
\- And then you will fight for pairs of shoes. Add Jun to the tone of the joke.

The girl looks at him badly and pulls her tongue out.

\- No, I love my little sister and I will be the best of all the big sisters! She said calmly before bending over to kiss Kiyo's little head.

At that moment, I can swear that our hearts to Kazu and me have melted in unison.

*****

3 months later.

\- Kiyo-chan, if you knew how cute you are!  
\- And I'm the gaga father ... said my lover who is active in the kitchen while I give her morning botlle to Kiyo.  
\- It's impossible not to find her adorable, she doesn't stop smiling at me!  
\- It's probably that she has gas ... said my beloved with a small smile.  
\- Mou ... do you hear? Papa Kazu is jealous of us, pretty lady. I tell the baby who just stares at me and sucks her formula.

Steps on the stairs are heard and Satoe arrives in the living room, her new schoolbag on the back.

\- Papa Toshi? How do you find me ?  
\- Pretty. I said.  
\- And dad? She runs running to join him in the kitchen.  
\- Ouaaaah! You are the prettiest princess in the world! Said my lover ruffling her hair.  
\- Mouuuuu! I need to brush my hair again now!

Our daughter leaves her schoolbag on a chair in the kitchen and runs up the stairs to her bedroom.

\- Aaah, girls ... sighs Kazu putting their bentos on the big table in the living room. So ? Has this young lady finished her breakfast? He asks, coming closer to us and stroking Kiyo's head.  
\- Just now. I said, handing him the empty bottle.

I'm about to put the girl against my shoulder to make her burp but he stops me and gives me his apron.

\- Satoshi, you're wearing clean clothes to go to your daughter's entering elementary school ceremony, I remember you. I don't want your clothes to be a complete mess because Kiyo has throwing up on it.  
\- Yes, you're right.

He then puts his apron on my shoulder and beckons me to continue. Fortunately for me, Kiyo doesn't throw up on my shoulder.

\- Safe, sighs my lover, relieved. It will be less in the washing machine tonight. Come on, give her to me, it's time to go.

I hand the girl to Kazu, he puts her in his arms and kisses her small chubby cheeks. No doubts, we are both stiff crazy of love about her.

\- Come on princess, it's time to go to the new school of onee-chan. He said leaving the room, taking the little one's changing bag in passing.

I follow him to put on my shoes while he installs the baby in her cozy. Once done and before doing like me, he leans towards the stairs.

\- Sato! It's time !  
\- Haaaai! The little girl screams from the floor before tumbling for the third time down the stairs.  
\- Your lunch is on the table. Kazu said.

Our eldest run to the living room and returns to the entrance with two bento boxes prepared by Kazu.

\- Dad, you forgot yours! She said, handing it to him.  
\- Ah! Arigatou! What would I do without you, darling?

He hastens to stuff the wrapped package in his bag and seizes the cozy while Satoe finishes putting on her shoes.

\- Let's go girls! Done Kazu by opening the front door. Satoyan, you don't forget to take Kiyo's changing bag?  
\- Hai.

He gets out of the house with Kiyo and Satoe follows them. I turn to take the bag left on the furniture of the lobby. My gaze then falls on the frame I gave to Kazu moving in, hanging just above the famous furniture and I can't help but smile in front of our four hands painted on it, so happy with the little family we are forming.

\- Satoshi! We're going to be late ! I hear my lover screaming from the outside.  
\- Hai, hai. I say before going out and close the door behind us.

 

THE END


End file.
